Stronger than Yesterday!

This may serve as quite a surprise to some, but I can be quite the gym rat. Given that I have had two months of nothing but free time, I have gone no less than six days a week. This is not unique to me though, back when I lived in California I was typically going to LA Fitness at least four. I absolutely love the gym and nearly all that it has to offer.

The treadmill is my favorite machine. I’ll set the speed at no less than 7.5 and just take off running with a single song on repeat playing from my iPod Classic. My absolute favorite jam to run to is “Hung Up” by Madonna – not the single edit – the full 5:36 album version. No other song gets me more pumped to run. I am not a big fan of lifting weights as I typically get very, very bored when doing so alone. When I lived out in California, I had my personal trainer friend, Zach, trying hard to make a man outta me.

Zach was the best! He never took any of my shit and always made me do the exercise despite my best attempts to avoid doing so. This was great for me and during the two or so years I worked out with him I was in the best shape of my life. Y’all already know I got the clean eating thing down, so Zach’s workout routine gave me life.

As much as I love the treadmill and working out alongside a good friend there is nothing – I mean absolutely nothing – I love more though at the gym than the pairing of a Jacuzzi and sauna.

Zach would always tell me to spend no more than ten minutes in the Jacuzzi at a single time and obviously that is not really very realistic, so I would always do a little math of my own. I would take those ten minutes and multiply them by anywhere between three and six – depending on who else may be in the Jacuzzi – to get the approximate amount of time I would sit in there on any given trip. While my love for the Jacuzzi is vast, it has delivered me some of my most awkward and awful moments.

The first time I remember feeling truly awkward in the Jacuzzi was when I was at my beloved LA Fitness and a large gentleman was sitting in there talking about what he called the vampire theory to a couple of ladies who used my entering as their opportunity to exit. I should have taken them nearly running away as a sign that perhaps I needed to do a few more laps before settling in.

As I made myself comfortable he asked me if I had ever heard of this vampire theory (I had not) and as a result of my ignorance he then went into an explanation of what it was. It was something along the lines of passing ones DNA onto another by the means of a bite or something, I really don’t know, it was such a bizarre moment that I wasn’t really giving him my undivided attention, but following along enough to know when to give an “hmmm…interesting” or a “oh, wow.” He said that he had begun sleeping during the daylight hours several years back because of a job he took and since then he has remained in that particular style of life. I never felt scared or uncomfortable by his vampiric ramblings, but at the same time, I definitely did not want to come across as too interested, I wasn’t looking to be converted.

Although clearly unique, he seemed innocent enough and after he had finished his spiel he bid me a good night and went about his way. I really wish I would have had my phone on me in that given moment because no sooner had he turned the corner, I would have been on there texting everyone I know, but alas, it was safely locked away in my gym locker.

While he may have been an innocent vampire enthusiast the next couple of encounters were two individuals who seemed keen on perhaps testing that vampire theory had they of known of it because let me tell you what, they most certainly were not that innocent.

As I sat there once more in the basin of the round Jacuzzi soaking up the wonders of its heat and enjoying the pleasures of its jets, I found myself intertwined in a lighthearted conversation with a female patron approximately twice my age who at the moment sat opposite of me. Between the echo from the roar of the jets and her thick accent, I often had difficulty deciphering exactly what she was saying to me. Rather than pretend to understand and just smile and nod, I found myself asking her quite often to repeat exactly what she had just said. I blamed my inability to make out what she was saying on my hearing rather than understanding as I felt that this was the more appropriate route to travel. I certainly did not want to make her feel bad about her English speaking skills and such. I noticed that each time I told her I wasn’t catching what she was saying, she would move closer to me. At the time I thought this made great sense given the fact that she was initially sitting exactly across from me and given the large circumference of the tub, there was a fair distance between us, so moving closer would most definitely ease our conversation along. Well, as the minutes rolled by and our pleasant but meaningless conversation moved along, she had inched approximately 150º closer to where I was sitting.

There were twelve large jets spaced evenly around the tub and for a visual, if I was sitting at 6:00, she started at 12:00 and now she was at 5:00, y’all follow?

Well, as that 5:00 became more of a 5:30, she brushed her leg up against mine. I first interpreted this as a mistake in that she didn’t realize just how close she had gotten to me. I actually said, “excuse me” aloud and moved my legs back and she merely just giggled. An odd reaction, but whatever I guess. Then we proceeded to converse a bit more before she brushed her left leg up against my right one once more only this time she giggled as she did it. I got up and moved to the 7:00 jet. I was not about to entertain this tomfoolery. She then moved to about 6:15 and by this point I was starting to get annoyed, but just as I was about to leave, a friend of hers came to retrieve her. They spoke to one another in their native tongue and she promptly got up and left without ever looking back. Unfortunately, this relief became a very temporary.

Essentially in passing, a man entered the Jacuzzi no sooner than she had left it. I had seen this individual at the gym on several occasions, usually in the Jacuzzi, and each time he always tried to make conversation as well. Honestly, I found him to be incredibly annoying and his conversation typically reeked of desperation. No one loves a good conversation more than I do, but if I have nothing to talk about, I’m certainly not going to talk simply just to talk – especially not in my beloved Jacuzzis! So, anyway, here he was again. Soon as the first lady had exited, I had moved back to the 6:00 jet and he came and sat in the 7:00 one. As per usual, he started talking about whatever it was he started talking about and after my last encounter, I just wasn’t feeling it, so I decided to get up and leave for the sauna. As I walked into the locker room I passed the sauna and went to the drinking fountain beforehand to quench my thirst before heading in. After several seconds at the water fountain I turned to head in the sauna. As I opened the sauna door I noticed that Stranger Danger was already seated inside.

I instantly thought this was bizarre as I had not spent that much time drinking water and the fountain wasn’t that far from the sauna, so he must have jogged or some shit to get in there before me. The sauna seating area was shaped like a capital letter “L” inside the rectangle room. As I opened the door across from the top of the “L” I saw him seated in the center of the vertical part. I made my way towards the base so as to not sit near him.

As I passed him he reached out and tried to grab my ass, but luckily failed, instead only grabbing the back of my trunks. Thankfully, he could not see my eyes, as I am sure they exploded in a reaction that was a mix of shock and fear. I could not believe this was happening twice in the same night! I chose to ignore his advance and went and sat down.

No sooner had I taken my seat than he inched along the bench towards me. Again, I chose to ignore him. Mistake. He then took his right foot and brushed it up alongside my left leg. I was repulsed. I jerked my legs away and rather than excusing myself as I had done with the previous assault, I excused him. He acted embarrassed like he didn’t mean to do what he just did and I ignored his rambling. Normally, I would sit in there eyes closed, but that night they were wide opened and looking straight ahead. I made certain I could see any movement out of him from the corner of my eye in the event he tried to do anything else. Several uninterrupted minutes passed before he decided to make another advance, but this time I was ready. He motioned his foot towards my leg once more and I stood up and said, “listen to me because I am only going to say this once, I don’t know what you think is happening here, but it-is-not.” I was livid; this was the second time in less than a half hour that I had been the recipient of unwanted advances. He stood up also and sputtered along about how he didn’t mean it like I was taking it, to which I told him his actions could not be mistaken, but they were very much unwelcomed.

Thankfully, I must have insulted him because he stormed out of there leaving me to my lonesome. This move on his behalf was very much a welcomed one because I really didn’t want to have to cut my sauna time down like I had already done with my Jacuzzi. Roughly three minutes passed and the sauna door opened and a young man probably around twenty or so came in and sat down on the other side of the room from me. We both sat there in silence for a couple more minutes before the door flung back open and Stranger Danger stumbled inside. He stood there for several seconds with an indignant look on his face like he wanted to say or do something, but never did. My guess is the addition of the tank-sized young man kept him from doing so. I definitely owe a favor to that kid, whoever he is, because after that moment I never saw that creeper again.

That evening I had my own back to back #MeToo moments and although bothered by both, I did not let them prevent me from returning to the same Jacuzzi and sauna and enjoying the pleasures both had to offer. Each time I returned though, I did so with a heightened awareness, I did not want to ever find myself in a similar situation again.

The bizarre moments didn’t stay isolated to Southern California though for I have had my share of them here in Southern Illinois as well.

The most notable being just a few weeks back when I went in the Jacuzzi, this one a much smaller model than the gorgeous behemoth at LA Fitness, and joined the gentlemen already soaking inside.

One elderly man in particular was rambling on and on about the Book of Revelation and how it corresponds to alien life here on Earth. He kept sharing various short stories about alien encounters including one of his own and how they were foreseen in the Book of Revelation. I am quite ignorant of the Bible, so I knew nothing of what he was talking about, but like the vampire enthusiast from before, he seemed innocent enough and I just kept giving him the standards, “hmmm… interesting,” “oh, wow,” and the likes. One other man sat there looking extremely perturbed by the whole conversation and another was engaging this unique individual on the same level I was.

This mans personal alien encounter was highlighted by his obsession with a long, blond-haired alien life form that took him aboard his craft and has been a staple in his life since. He claims that this blond-haired alien has come back to visit him on multiple occasions and always speaks of the weather. He remains mystified by what the weather has to do with his being taken, but he very much hopes to be able to solve this riddle one day very soon. I wish him all the best.

Everyone who loves the gym has his or her own unique reason for doing so, whether it be to upload infinite selfies as one works out, or perhaps simply to just workout, we all go for one reason or another. For me it would definitely be the social aspect it offers even if it means people find themselves unleashing their inner-Selena Gomez and not being able to keep their hands to their selves. While I pray a moment like that is never duplicated in my life again, it is a risk I am willing to take if it means there is a chance encounter I may be entertained by vampire and Biblical alien enthusiasts for you just never know what the conversation may be in the Jacuzzi.

Well, I do hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I loved writing it. Feel free to leave a comment below and as always, remember, you are simply the best!