Surprisingly, I really do not have a whole lot of stories from my time in college. I say surprisingly because it took me six and a half years to graduate with my Bachelor’s in Arts. From my humble beginnings at Southwestern Illinois College to my infinitely more tumultuous days at Southern Illinois University Edwardsville my stories are few and far. With that immense amount of time spent working towards my degree, one would think I would have a never-ending multitude of tales to share, but alas, that is really just not the case. So, while I may not have a lot, I do have some and like many college age kids, all of my best stories happen to be about what went down below the belt.
Lindsey, Melissa, and I all had class at the same time on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays this one particular spring semester and more often than not, we would meet up for breakfast before heading off to SIUE together. Well, on this particular morning we decided to meet up at the Phillips 66/McDonald’s hybrid near campus and have ourselves some delicious McBreakfast.
I cannot be certain, but I am willing to wager I ordered the two breakfast burritos meal. McDonald’s breakfast burritos are some of my favorite things in the entire world. They’re just plain delicious and that McSalsa makes my mouth water just thinking about it! I can guarantee I got an iced French vanilla coffee because that is literally the only beverage I order there before 11:00 in the morning. I just love the smoothness of their McCafé coffee – definitely better than Starbucks – disagree all you want, but I know my McFacts. Then of course every breakfast McValue meal comes with their signature hash browns. I am making myself hungry just typing this out! THANK GOODNESS THEY SERVE BREAKFAST ALL DAY!
Just to clarify here for those of you who do not fully know me – McDonald’s is forever my #1 favorite. There will never be a time I am not in the mood for some McDonald’s. McDonald’s is wholly consistent anywhere you go and they always deliver a high quality eating experience at an affordable rate. For me, they are the epitome of clean eating. No doubt about it, McDonald’s really is simply the best – DEFINITELY better than all the rest!
Anyway – we all placed our orders and sat down in one of their extremely comfortable and clean booths and enjoyed our breakfast and time with one another. As our conversations progressed I felt the sudden need to use the restroom, so I looked at Melissa and Lindsey and said,
“I think I need to use the restroom.”
“Uh oh, Ben,” they both replied in unison. “You better go!” They echoed.
I excused myself from the table and made my way to the restroom, which was located in the vestibule that connected the McDonald’s area and the gas station, thus allowing customers of either business to utilize the facilities.
Fortunately, there was no one else inside the restroom at the time because I knew I was about to be blowin’ it up, so I did not want someone else to have to experience this alongside me.
As I passed the only sink and lone urinal I entered the single stall and locked it behind me. I stood there just in front of the toilet seat and took a couple squares of toilet paper and began wiping down the seat. This is something I always do when using a public restroom. Does it help? Probably really not, I don’t know, but it helps me in my mind and I think that counts for something, so anyway, as I was standing there wiping I let out what I thought was going to be a fart. Turns out, I was wrong. Oops!…I Did It Again because in that very moment standing there before that very toilet, I pooped my pants for the second time in seven months.
I was mortified. How in the world was this happening when I was standing immediately in front of the very device needed to relieve myself!?! I instantly dropped my pants and turned around to place my rear on the seat behind me. I was in a sheer panic! This time was not like the last! The previous restroom was a single room that no one else could share with me – this one was open to the public and anyone else could enter at anytime!
As I sat there finishing my business I took several deep breaths and assessed the situation I had got myself in – again. Yes, this restroom was not like the last one, but neither was this mess. Fortunately, I was able to confine the contents of my excrement to my pants – or boxers I should say. I definitely soiled another fine pair and I knew that this was not a set I wanted to throw away, so I was going to have to repeat the rinse and wash method used on the previously defecated pair.
As I finished my pristine wiping process I carefully slid my boxers off from around my ankles – I did not want any of my diarrhea clumps to smear alongside my feet – and did my best to hoist the sludge inside my undergarments into the toilet. I figured getting rid of the blobby chunks would help ease my ability to wash them. As I was in the process of flopping my pancaked poop back inside the toilet my worst fears were realized – someone else had entered the restroom.
I stood there frozen. What if this person needed to use the toilet too? My heart began pounding and I started to sweat around my brow. This was not happening to me.
I stood there waiting to see what this other guy was going to do. I didn’t want to keep plopping what was essentially my man diaper’s belongings into the toilet while this guy was in there. Luckily, he only needed the urinal, so I just waited him out. Naturally, his whole process including the washing and drying of his hands probably only took a minute, but to me, it felt like a lifetime. I was so scared that somehow he was going to know I had pooped my pants and was trying to drop the said poop into the toilet. I was a mess of nerves.
Upon his exit I was able to finish unloading the remains of my soiled boxers. My hands felt so disgustingly moist from standing there holding these terrorized boxers for as long as I had been.
I then exited the stall and made my way towards the sink tossing my boxers quickly inside the basin. I added an unbelievable amount of soap into the sink and swished my undergarments to and fro amongst the lathered water. I wanted to repeat this process for several minutes, but fear that some unsuspecting person would enter and see my washing my boxers prevented me from doing so. Instead I did this for a few seconds and then quickly rinsed the soap away, rung them out, and then, repeating my past act, I grabbed some papers towels and wrapped the boxers inside.
I finally made my way out of the restroom and back to the table with Melissa and Lindsey.
Rather than taking my old seat I stood there at the front of the table as they both looked up at me like I had just come back from a year’s disappearance.
“Where did you go?” They inquired.
Slowly, I pulled my paper towel wrapped boxers out from my pocket so that an inch or two was visible.
“OH MY GOD! AGAIN!” They both exclaimed as they scooted away from me as though I were contagious.
“Yes, again, so um… yeah, I don’t think I’m going to go to class this morning because instead, I am going to go home and shower.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” they responded and I turned to leave them to process how a twenty-year-old man can poop his pants twice in seven months.
I have heard quite often that I was (and I guess still am) wrong for prioritizing entertainment over education, however, I feel that this story perfectly justifies my case. Neither Melissa nor Lindsey can give me a single detail today about what they learned that particular morning some twelve years ago in either of their respective classes – in fact – neither can even tell me what class it was they were taking at the time, but one thing is for certain, all three of us clearly remember me pooping my pants and if that doesn’t solidify my theory of entertainment over education then I don’t know what does!
Special Note: While my favorite drink in the whole entire world may be an ice cold Coca-Cola it is important for me to inform you all that this summer – FOR A LIMITED TIME ONLY – I will be stanning Pepsi. Pepsi is featuring Britney Spears on their cans and bottles as part of their Pepsi Generations campaign and just like anything else Britney I CANNOT GET ENOUGH! So remember when you’re craving a cold beverage this summer grab yourself a Britney Spears donned Pepsi because Pepsi is for those who think young!
More pants pooping posts:
Hilarious Ben!!! 😂😂😂😂
Thank you much! 😊 You know I aim to entertain!
A+ for imagery!!
😂 Thank you so much! You know I like my descriptions! 😂
Love the Tina Turner reference!
“The Best” was the song Melissa & I had our First Dance to at our wedding! Glad you appreciate it too!
😂😂😂😂😂😂 If we had had more communication back then- I personally would have taken you to a specialist- bwahahahaha! You never had this issue when you were younger- SIUE have you some serious side affects my friend!
Either a specialist or some Depends for Men! Either would probably have done the trick! 😂 SIUE did a number on me that’s for sure!
Brilliant! At the beginning, I was like ahhhh this is gonna be all about McDonald’s. Which would have been a fine topic in it’s self, however I was delightfully surprised.
Maybe one day McDonald’s will get an entry all to its own! I can imagine the twist this took for you then when I set off for the restroom! 😂
I have to say that my favorite thing about this post was referring to your boxers as a ‘man diaper’! 😂 Now I can never unsee that term!
Well, after the events of that morning, there really isn’t any better description for them! 😂