It’s All Coming Back To Me Now

Let me tell you all what, I am quite the fan of Applebee’s. They deliver a consistently delicious meal each and every single time and consistency is a BIG factor for me when it comes to dining out. They have a multitude of dishes that I enjoy and their seasonal offerings are generally quite scrumptious as well. While more recently I do feel like they have blended their décor quite substantially leaving each location to look fairly the same there was a time not so long ago when you could go into your neighborhood Applebee’s and it was the very embodiment of your city.

My absolute favorite example of this hometown pride was the Glen Carbon, Illinois location. For the longest time, nearly a decade in fact, the large party corner booth use to be the area of the restaurant dedicated to Metro East Lutheran High School in neighboring Edwardsville, the very high school my wife, Melissa Gayle, attended.

The yearbook that Applebee’s put under glass display was from the MELHS graduating class of 2004 and fortunately for all those who sat there, the pages they selected to showcase featured my beautiful Melissa’s senior picture staring longingly right back at them. Had Snapchat of been around in that day and age I am quite certain Melissa and I would have been the recipient’s of a never-ending barrage of snaps with that little Glen Carbon, Illinois geofilter and Melissa’s perky senior portrait rightfully centered. Damn that would have been cute.

Well one evening, long before her senior picture went on display and prior to any other true dining establishments having entered the Glen Carbon/Edwardsville corridor, Melissa and I decided to hit up that particular Applebee’s and stuck it out through the sixty or so minute wait that one use to have to endure. We were fortunate enough to get a spot waiting inside, so we didn’t have to sweat it out outdoors. As we sat there patiently waiting a young waiter had caught Melissa’s eye and she was instantly smitten. We joked and laughed about how funny it would be if we got seated in his area. Melissa kept saying how she hoped our joking became her reality, but it would not be too long before she would find herself choking on those longings.

Finally, our pager buzzed and the hostess politely led us to our table – in this guy’s section nonetheless – so suffice it to say, Melissa was thrilled. The waiter, “John H” came almost instantly and took our drink orders leaving Melissa with a huge smile spread across her face. It was then that I decided to start having my fun.

“When he comes back I’m going to tell him you love him,” I teased.

“I would die, don’t,” she cautioned.

“Maybe I’ll just ask him out for you instead. Telling him you love him might be a bit much,” I smirked.

“You think –

Melissa cut herself off as our waiter, John H had returned with our beverages.

“You both ready to order?” He inquired.

I smiled across the table at Melissa and she gave me the look of death. Then I glanced up at him and said, “Yes sir, I believe we are.”

He took both our orders and went about his way. Melissa was none to thrilled at the prospect of me asking him out on her behalf.

“I swear to God I will kill you if you ask him that,” she snarled.

“Why, you certainly aren’t going to ask him yourself,” I shot back.

Soon enough he brought us our food and continued to check in on us periodically. Each time he came by I couldn’t help but smile at Melissa because I knew her heart had to be beating irregularly when he was near and not because of the butterflies he put in her stomach earlier.

We were nearing the end of dinner and I knew my window of opportunity was fast diminishing, so I decided the next time he came to our table was going to be my moment. I opted to share this decision with Melissa, so that she too may anticipate his next visit.

“I swear to fucking God I will kill you if you ask him out for me,” she threatened, but everyone knows her bark is always worse than her bite, so as I brushed off her continued threats, I watched him approach our table.

“Anything else I can get you two tonight?” He politely asked.

I looked over at Melissa and smiled. This was it.

“Um… actually sir, I have a question,” I said coyly.

“OH MY GOD NO!” Melissa screamed atop her lungs. She hollered so loudly that every single other patron in that restaurant abruptly quit talking and looked over at our table. The silence was deafening. Poor John H looked nervous as Hell with every eye in the establishment on him, but he was professional, so he maintained his composure while Melissa sat there with her hands clasped into her face breathing heavily.

“I was actually wondering – could we get separate checks?” I asked calmly.

With my question Melissa took her face from her hands and though much quieter than she was a moment ago she still called out, “Oh my god, I can’t believe this,” as she slammed her hands down on the table. “I cannot fucking believe this,” she carried on shaking her reddened face to and fro.

Poor John H, I am certain that he did not know what to make of the situation, but he definitely did his best.

“Oh, oh no, ma’am, no, it is okay. It is really okay, I promise,” he tried to calm her. “People ask for separate checks all of the time. They really do, I promise. This is not a big deal, it really isn’t.”

He even put his hand on her shoulder to calm what he believed to be her nerves about getting separate checks, but little did he know the reality of what could have been.

“Oh my God, okay whatever, it’s fine,” Melissa said trying to assure poor John H that she really didn’t have a problem with separate checks. “It’s fine,” she said again throwing her hands up in a I Surrender pose.

He looked at her like he wasn’t entirely convinced that she was truly okay with the situation, so he continued assuring her that probably more than half the tables he has ask for separate checks, so this was not an uncommon request.

Melissa floundered about in her chair because she had just looked around and saw that several of our fellow diners had still not returned to their original conversations and were very much still listening in on ours.

She threw both her hands up in the air, “separate checks are fine. They’re fine!”

“Okay, I just wanna make sure you know that it’s not a big deal and people ask all the time, so you don’t need to be embarrassed about asking in the future,” John H said hoping his words would soothe her future dining fears.

“I appreciate that, thank you,” Melissa said to him, but her eyes had finally returned to me and in them was the look of death.

As John H left our table to go get our separate checks the conversations around us began to pick back up. I could not quit laughing and Melissa just kept telling me over and over how much she fucking hated me.

John H returned in no time with our two checks and we handed him our currency right then and there. Melissa could not wait to get out of there and I am pretty sure John H probably couldn’t wait to get rid of us either. Melissa had screamed so loud and called so much attention to the three of us that he was probably just as embarrassed as she was. Pretty sure I was the only one enjoying myself that evening, but with so much time having passed, Melissa and I – and hopefully John H too wherever he is – can look back and laugh about that night because it truly was one to remember.

Well, thank you all so much for reading my blog and I do hope I served up another hilarious dish for your enjoyment! Have a fantastic rest of you week and remember – you are simply the best!