Demons of the Sea

I’m scared to death of sharks.

Really and truly there is not one single other thing on this planet that I’m more terrified of than those demons of the sea.

Having lived immediately east of St. Louis, Missouri in Southern Illinois the entirety of my life – with the three-year exception I spent in Southern California – I would say that my fear of sharks is somewhat ill placed. One would think that where I live I could not be any further from those demons of the sea (they would be wrong, but more on that later), so why and how did I grow up fearing something so inaccessible?

When I made the decision to write my next entry about sharks I forced myself to give this question some serious thought and the conclusion I arrived at – while surely bizarre to most – actually made a lot of sense to me. I was scared of sharks and other predators of the water because Captain Hook in Walt Disney’s Peter Pan was horrified of the crocodile.

When I was super young I dressed as my favorite Disney villain for three consecutive Halloweens – I mean, if it’s not broke, why fix it? While most kids love to idolize the hero of any given film, I have always been all about the villain. That last statement goes for literally anything and everything I was obsessed with as a child. When we watched Star Wars I didn’t give a care in the world about Luke Skywalker or Han Solo – I wanted to be Emperor Palpatine. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? The Shredder. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers? Lord Zedd. Darkwing Duck? Negaduck. I think you pretty much get the idea – I love the villains. I will say that now that I am older I do have a great affinity for many of the heroes I once could not bring myself to care for, so don’t ever try to tell me that evolution isn’t real. I’m living proof.

Hopefully anyone reading this has seen Disney’s Peter Pan or is at least familiar enough with J. M. Barrie’s iconic masterpiece to know that Captain James Hook is terrified of the crocodile that stalks his ship, The Jolly Roger. His fear is most warranted because the crocodile ate his left hand thereby resulting in him donning a hook where that appendage once was. Watching Disney’s adaptation of Barrie’s original work unlimited times surely instilled that same fear in me. As a child I related so deeply to Hook that I seriously wanted to be him and how could one be someone without being all of them? If Hook was scared of the crocodile then sure as shit so was I.

My fears were never put to ease as I grew older because my early and immense exposure to one of my favorite sub-genres of film: animals eating people.

I can guarantee you that if there is a major motion picture about an oversized animal that eats people I will be there opening weekend. Honestly, I cannot get enough of these kinds of movies and clearly there are a lot of others who feel the same given that The Meg about a prehistoric shark facing-off against Jason Statham and company opened at #1 at the box office two weekends back with a forty-five million dollar haul. That’s a seriously respectable amount of a movie about a ninety-foot shark that devours everything in its path.

My fear for these creatures was kicked into overdrive in middle school much to the credit of my old Montessori friend Jonathan Wood and his love for the same kind of films. I remember we saw Deep Blue Sea (Samuel L. Jackson facing off against three genetically enhanced sharks), Anaconda (a Michael Jackson Video Vanguard recipient Jennifer Lopez starring thriller about a large South American serpent), and Lake Placid (America’s sweetheart Betty White nurtures a large crocodile in a Maine lake while it terrorizes other locals) all in theaters during those years and because of them I am still fearful of swimming in any body of water that hasn’t been pumped full of chemicals.

Of all these films though Deep Blue Sea unsettled me the most. I could almost understand the anaconda and crocodile’s motives for eating the people who invaded their territory, but with the sharks, they just killed to kill. Around the same time I can also vividly recall watching Jaws and its three sequels on daytime television while spending summers at my grandpa’s and again these films left me breathless. There was never any doubt in my mind after this intense shark exposure; they were the demons of the sea and I wanted to be nowhere near them.

I can very much recall a truly awful time in my young life when my parents, brother, and I went boating at some Southern Illinois lake with some friends of my parents. Everyone was having the time of their life, but I was in constant fear of the unknown. I remember this lake to be huge and surely very deep and none of the adults could promise me that there weren’t any crocodiles, anacondas, or worse of all, sharks in it. I was not about to get in that damn water. I remember that while my brother and all the other kids swam all about I sat uncomfortably inside the boat with my orange life jacket tightened around me. My greatest fears came forth when my dad demanded that I get in the water with everyone else and when I refused to do so he picked me up and tossed me in. I had a panic attack right there in front of everyone. I started screaming and crying and once I hit that water I was flailing about and doing everything in my power to get back on board one of those boats – preferably not the same one my dad was in – so I could get up out of that murky water and stay up out of it. All those other people surely thought I was insane because I was easily somewhere between eleven and thirteen years of age and obsessing over being eaten alive by some unlikely predator. What a mess. We never went boating again after that and while I cannot be certain as to why I always suspected our family probably never got invited back. Those people surely wanted to enjoy their future times without some whacked out kid whining and crying about sharks in their lake.

I suppose that none of those boating friends of my parents were aware that in 1937 a bull shark was caught by a pair of fisherman swimming up the Mississippi river near Alton, Illinois. Alton is the city where Melissa works! This is not at all far from where we live here in Cutesville! Yes, that happened in 1937, but we only know that shark was there because it was caught! What about all the other bull sharks that have swam up this way that haven’t been caught? Surely there has to have been others. Thankfully, when I had my preteen meltdown at the lake it was long before the film Shark Night was ever released because had I of seen that cinematic masterpiece prior that moment would have been a whole Hell of a lot crazier.

The entire premise of the movie is about sharks in a lake – yes, a saltwater lake, but a lake nonetheless – that terrorize a group of young college co-eds. Bull sharks have a special gland in their kidneys that help them maintain salt, so the likelihood that one could be caught and placed in a freshwater lake somewhere in Southern Illinois is highly likely in my mind. I just can’t handle the fear that swimming in lakes gives me. As insane as it may sound I actually prefer to swim in the ocean.

In the three years I lived in California I went to the beach maybe ten times. Given how much I feared sharks it just never really appealed to me as much as a nice, perfect day at Disneyland always did. The beach is beautiful, relaxing, and in many ways iconic, but the waters can be deadly, dangerous, and soul sucking. Each time I went I would venture out into the sea, sometimes much further than was probably intelligent for me to do so, but I did because I loved the waves and the atmosphere of being there. I never once saw any sharks, but sometimes a dark cloud of seaweed spotted in a wave would send me swimming with all my might back to the shore – you could never be too careful. Although I always enjoyed myself I was always on edge in those cool Pacific waters.

There was one time when I took the triplets to the Oceanside beach and while we were there Logan cut his leg on what I can only assume was a rock on the bottom of the ocean. Who even knows how long the four of us were swimming before he brought this cut to my attention, but you best believe that as soon as I became aware I grabbed that boy up outta that water and rushed him to the shore all the while screaming at the other two to get up out of that water. Although I have been told it is a myth that sharks can smell blood from a mile away I wasn’t about to let any of us die for Myth Busters. Suffice it to say none of us went back in the water that day.

While I may have moved back away from the coast my fear of sharks will never subside no matter where I reside. I know marine biologists would probably try to suggest that these demons of the sea are more afraid of me than I them, but there is no way in the world that is accurate. I about went into cardiac arrest once while watching an episode of pop superstar Kesha’s MTV reality show, My Crazy Beautiful Life when she went cage diving with sharks. I knew when she entered her legal battle with Dr. Luke she would surely come out the victor because after conquering those aquatic monsters that land-dwelling one would be nothing.

I want to conclude this post with a very special ending. I was so inspired by the recent death of Aretha Franklin and tonight’s MTV Video Music Awards that I wrote a little song that I hope you all enjoy. I have dabbled extensively in song writing throughout my days, but this is the first time I have ever written a total and complete piece. I have a beat in mind, but if Max Martin wants to come at me with another I’m totally willing to talk. As you read my lyrics please image a great vocalist like Kesha or even Jessica Simpson belting the song out. That’s who I envisioned singing Demons of the Sea and I think it’ll help guide the melody you choose to read it with.

Demons of the Sea

D-D-D-Demons of the Sea

I want no part of you

But you want every part of me

Demons of the Sea

D-D-D-Demons of the Sea

Please do your best to

Stay away from me

 

Here I am havin’ a good time

But you show up here payin’ no mind

I’m just tryin’ to enjoy myself

But you show up all unannounced

Thankfully your fin

Gives you away

Otherwise I might have been

Your meal today

 

Demons of the Sea

D-D-D-Demons of the Sea

I want no part of you

But you want every part of me

Demons of the Sea

D-D-D-Demons of the Sea

Please do your best to

Stay away from me

 

You might think you

A bad mother-fucker

But watch me get up

Out of this water

You can watch me

Up on this land

You can spot me

Workin’ on my sun tan

 

Demons of the Sea

D-D-D-Demons of the Sea

I want no part of you

But you want every part of me

Demons of the Sea

D-D-D-Demons of the Sea

Please do your best to

Stay away from me

 

Your teeth look like

Little daggers

Bet you wish you were

Chompin’ on my bladder

Your eyes are black and

You have no soul

I don’t feel sorry for you

Bein’ all alone

 

Demons of the Sea

D-D-D-Demons of the Sea

I want no part of you

But you want every part of me

Demons of the Sea

D-D-D-Demons of the Sea

Please do your best to

Stay away from me

I hope my song and post didn’t scare you too much! Sharks can certainly have that effect, so I wouldn’t blame you. I know Shark Week has passed, but discussing my fear of sharks is never out of season for me. I encourage you to leave a comment below and until next time, I hope you all have the best rest of your week ever!