Not A Different Lynda

I can absolutely guarantee that if you follow me on Snapchat you’ve seen my cracker snaps. These photos will pop up anytime of the year, but generally read like a Game of Thrones advertisement, warning you about the perils of winter and advising you on its preparation. For those who’ve viewed these cracker snaps and thought, this is some weird shit, be in the dark no more! Allow me to shine some light on my dry sense of humor.

Two packs of basic saltine style crackers became an iconic centerpiece in my life several years ago when my parents did a massive overhaul to their roof. It was during this roof reworking that they took my dad’s truck and parked it at my mom’s friend’s house. It remained there for a few wintery days out of the way of the construction crew back at our home. It should be noted that my parent’s roof is quite grand in scale. It soars nearly thirty feet into the air, so this job required a crane, which needless to say, left no spare room on the driveway for unnecessary vehicles.

After a couple days the roof work had concluded and it came time to retrieve my dad’s truck. For reasons I cannot remember, my dad was unable to pick it up on this cold December day. Being the only other person in the house who could drive a manual transmission, I got roped in by my mother to go get it. Because I love to spend all my best moments with her, I brought Melissa along and thank goodness I did! Having her there to experience this wonder alongside me truly made this the gift that just keeps giving – uh, for my mom that is.

At any other given time the sight that met our eyes at the Dollar General in Pontoon Beach, Illinois would have been headlining news out of my mouth for days, but after my mom had her moment, this fowl visual was regulated to a mere footnote. There were hundreds and I literally mean hundreds of geese just wading around the Dollar General parking lot. The geese filled the ENTIRE parking lot! Oh, how I wish Snapchat existed at this time because you best believe we would’ve caught this geese convention on video. We couldn’t even hear Mariah Carey’s Merry Christmas over the amplified honking of the geese! It was just unreal and I’ll never, ever forget it.

Just a bit down from the Dollar General was my mom’s friends house. When we pulled in her driveway we could see she had moved the truck to her backyard. As we made our way across the soft ground of her yard, we noticed the truck had sunk slightly into the yard. While regrettable it wasn’t surprising. There had been a big snowfall and the melted snow dampened the ground causing the truck to sink a bit.

I climbed up inside the truck and turned the ignition. It started up like normal, but when I put the transmission into first gear and dropped my foot on the gas pedal it failed to go forward. I then shifted to reverse and still remained right where I was as if I had myself in neutral. It became quite clear that it was going to take a little extra effort to get this truck out from its sunken stupor.

My mom and Melissa went behind the truck and tried pushing while I remained in the cabin attempting to drive it forward. I remember rocking my body back and forth like that would somehow help – it didn’t – but it wasn’t from my lack of trying. After several minutes of wasted effort, my mom went and stood between the fence and truck and started instructing me on which way to turn the wheel. This left poor Melissa in the back to push this giant truck all on her own.

Somehow even after all my mom’s delegating we were still in the exact same place this truck had been in for days. I even had to scold my mom for standing where she was between the fence and the truck because if this vehicle was to break loose of the ground’s grip she could end up a casualty of this whole ordeal. This was definitely not something we needed. After the three of us began bickering about our next proper course of action a light bulb had clearly gone off in my mom’s head and she threw her hands up in the air and announced:

“I have an idea! Wait here and I’ll be right back!”

As she scurried across the yard towards her minivan, Melissa and I waited by the truck in anticipation of just what my mom had that was going to rescue us from our plight. Within a minute she was walking back in our direction appearing to be empty handed, but as she neared, we could see that she was in fact holding a couple items in hand.

“What-the-Hell-are-you-going-to-do-with-those!?!” I said through chilled teeth.

“Their for traction!” My mom shot back.

I was speechless. I looked over at Melissa and she too was absolutely speechless. My mom stood there before us wearing a jubilant smile and holding two packs of saltine crackers from Cracker Barrel in her gloved hands as if these small packets were the answer we had been searching for all this time.

Side Note: It is important to understand that my dad has always made us leave at least two packs of crackers in all our vehicles at all times. This is a precaution so in the event we would break down, we had something to eat. This is something I maintain even to this day, so this preparation is why we had crackers in the van to begin with.

The three of us stood there in a triangle of amazement. My mom clearly ignoring the looks of disbelief on mine and Melissa’s frozen faces as she started happily crumbling the crackers in her hands in preparation for her next move.

“There’s no fucking way this is going to work,” I said with disdain. “This truck is huge. We would need two thousand crackers to gain any sort of traction!”

“You just wait and see!” My mom said smugly as she started circling around the truck and sprinkling about one crackers worth of crumbs below each tire.

I found myself speechless once more as I witnessed her precision in sprinkling. She evenly divided these four crackers amongst those four tires and when she was all said and done she told me to get back in that truck and she and Melissa would return to pushing. She swore that between my driving, their pushing, and these new cracker crumbs, we were going to get this truck out damnit!

Well, the following may shock you, but the truck didn’t go anywhere. My mom and Melissa pushed, I drove, and yet those tires just spun and spun almost as if the crackers had never been laid down at all. Our situation was seemed hopeless. If these four crackers couldn’t do the trick, then what could?

Suffice it to say; after the dual cracker packs proved surprisingly unsuccessful, a small argument erupted. We had been at this for at least a half hour by this point and were no closer to getting that truck out than when we first began. Everyone’s patience was wearing thin.

Just when we had all almost given up, my mom’s friend returned home and diffused the bickering before tensions could escalate further. We told her all about the crackers debacle and she said that my mom was certainly onto something there and she would go get her kitty litter to further emphasize the traction method.

She returned in no time from inside her house and gave the giant yellow tub of kitty litter to my mom. Having already made this motion once before, my mom walked around the truck, dumping kitty litter in front and behind each of the four tires. Once she had completed her circuit, she went and stood up on the porch with her friend and Melissa while I climbed back inside the truck cabin.

My hopes were much higher for this attempt than any of the previous. She had flooded those tire areas with so much kitty litter than if this didn’t work we would probably have to leave the truck there till spring!

I turned the key and started the truck back up, shifting immediately into first gear; I placed my foot down gently on the gas before just all out flooring it. With a roar of the engine the truck blasted out of its earthly trappings and I was able to U-turn around and drive it straight out the backyard onto the driveway. It was the relief we had all been waiting far too long for.

My mom’s idea of traction was definitely on the right track, but as it turned out, four saltine crackers was not sufficient enough to get the job done. We probably used a third of that tub of kitty litter and I’m no mathematician, but that would equate to a shit ton of crumbled crackers.

This is a moment that has lived on in infamy for my mother and has really become a cult classic amongst our friends and family. Melissa and I had enough screenshots of cracker pictures that we were able to compose a picture book of those said screenshots and give it to my mom last Christmas.

It was an absolutely beautiful assortment of crackers from all around the country with cute little sayings each person attached to their snap. Mom, if you’re reading this, I hope you put the book back out on the coffee table! It’s getting to be that time of year again and everyone can use a healthy little reminder to pack their winter preparedness kit! Remember everyone: two packs!

As always, THANK YOU so much for viewing! Please feel free to leave a comment below as I love reading and responding to them! Feel even more free to continue snapping me and Melissa crackers pics! We really can’t ever get enough of them! I’ll return soon with another all-new post, so until then, I wish you all, all the best!