Ex-Girlfriend

Much to his dismay, Joseph and I would frequent The Cheesecake Factory for lunch all of the time when we worked together at the Escondido Macy’s. Joseph’s reluctance stemmed not from the fact that he didn’t love The Cheesecake Factory, he absolutely did – I mean, who doesn’t? It’s the best! – but rather from the fact that his ex-girlfriend was a waitress at this particular location and we always seemed to be there on the same days as she. Luckily for Joseph, we never managed to be seated in her section, but on the day our story unfolds, his luck had clearly run out. We were not only seated in her section, but we were early enough that she currently had no other tables, and for this I am ever so thankful.

Before I dive into the real story here, I feel an obligation to give you all a little bit of history between Joseph and his ex-girlfriend, so that you might properly understand the magnitude of the bomb I dropped on them. Joseph and his ex dated for nearly five years throughout most of high school and up till the summer of their freshman year of college. After graduating high school, Joseph attended Bemidji State University in Bemidji, Minnesota and his ex attended a local college near their hometown of Escondido, California. Just before Joseph left for Minnesota to begin his sophomore year at university, both he and his ex-girlfriend decided that the long distance thing wasn’t for them, so they concluded their relationship on amicable terms. Joseph didn’t anticipate seeing her again for months, but little did he know, she had alternate anticipations.

Just a couple weeks into his sophomore semester, whilst at one of his baseball practices, Joseph took notice of a sudden arrival in the stands just behind home plate. As his teams pitcher, he had a direct view of the area behind the catcher, so seeing his ex-girlfriend waving and smiling at him from that point was like seeing a mirage in the desert. He says he remembers thinking over and over that there was no possible way this was real. She had not truly driven 30 hours to be at this practice, but as it would turn out, she had done just that.

Once practice ended Joseph went to the stands to see what in the world she was doing there and she wasted no time getting to her point. She was there because she believed they had both made a mistake ending their relationship and she wanted them to get back together right then and there. She felt that her romantic gesture of driving 2,000 miles to surprise him was supposed to both impress him and showcase her commitment to their comeback relationship. Unfortunately for her, Joseph did not feel the same and despite her driving three days to see him, they did not get back together. In fact, rather than wooing him back, her intense actions left them in a place where friendship no longer even seemed to be an option and any future encounters were strained and awkward at best; but none so much as the one I served up for them that day over lunch.

Not surprisingly, I would make the comment every time he and I went to The Cheesecake Factory that I wished for us to get seated in her section and on this particular day I got my wish. The two of them wasted no time in making it awkward for themselves, but I was thoroughly enjoying the show. I mean, come on now, it’s not everyday you get to see two ex-lovers pretend to not know each other when you know very well they most certainly do.

When she came to take our drink orders she stood next to him and had somehow managed to both face me and almost have her back to him at the same time, it was quite impressive; as for him, he refused to look up from his menu and muttered a single word, “water.” Once he felt the coast was clear he looked up from his menu and across the table at my ever-smiling face.

“I hate you,” he said with a smile, but of the nervous variety, not at all like gleeful one I was donning.

“You think she still has feelings for you?” I questioned. “I think she does,” I added with a frantic head nod to enforce my belief.

“I feel like you’re baiting me to be talking about her for when she walks up,” Joseph said quietly as he craned his neck around cautiously to see if she was coming, but doing his best to make it appear that he was in fact not checking to see if she was.

“What?” I said in exasperation, placing my hand on my chest. “Me? Never.”

“Uh huh,” he mumbled as she placed our pair of ice waters on the table.

“Are you ready to order?” His ex-girlfriend asked as she stared directly down at me, giving no indication she was aware that there was someone else at the table.

“I am, but how about you Joseph? Joseph, are you ready to order?” I asked with a grin.

“Yes,” he answered clearly and quite directly I might add, but still refusing to lift his gaze from his menu.

“Well then, I guess we are,” I replied gleefully. We each placed our respective order and she then turned and scurried off as professionally as she could without coming across as rude. This situation was evidently quite agonizing for this girl.

“I seriously hate you for this,” Joseph reiterated, but maintained his smile. Apparently, this was equally agonizing for him too as he added, “you shouldn’t be enjoying this.”

I twisted my face to give him my best faux reaction of disbelief and surprise before replying, “I shouldn’t be enjoying lunch with one of my best friends at one of my favorite places?” I worked hard to make my voice sound as flabbergasted as I could so it perfectly matched the look of confusion I wore across my face. “Joseph, you sound crazy,” I added knowing very well that I was in fact behaving a little crazily.

“Uh huh, I’m definitely the one crazy one here,” he grinned, but that smile soon faded when he saw I had already finished my water. “Are-you-kidding-me!” He snapped in an elevated whisper. “The more you drink, the more she has to come back and fill your glass,” he hissed.

“What? No!” It was becoming increasingly easy to feign my surprise, but he knew very well the game I was playing, yet I continued. “You know how dehydrated that old Macy’s building can make me. I’m just trying to stay quenched for when we go back. I can’t believe you are trying to make even my thirst about you,” I said hands raised as though I were the innocent one and not the perpetrator.

“I’m literally going to kill you,” Joseph hissed, but a little more loudly than before. It was safe to say he was not enjoying this lunch nearly as much as I was.

“I’ll be right back with another water,” his ex-girlfriend sighed while standing right behind Joseph. Her voice came unexpectedly to him as his eyes doubled in size with her sudden words.

“I really think you are making this far more awkward than it should be. We are just two friends out to lunch and it just so happens that our waitress is your ex-girlfriend. This is not that big of a deal,” I exclaimed as he just shook his head in disbelief from across the table. He clearly was avoiding speaking on the subject in case she happened to be right behind him again.

She came and filled my water and within moments brought our food. “Anything else I can get you?” She asked again looking at me directly.

“Oh no, I’m fine,” I replied, but I wasn’t done just yet. “Joseph, do you need anything else or are you good too?”

He looked up slowly from his plate with slit eyes like a viper and in them I could see he wished so badly he could strike me down, but rather than all that he just responded with a simple, “I’m fine.”

“Alright then, well, it looks like we’re both doing great, thank you so much, but don’t you worry, if either of us needs anything at all we will be sure to let you know,” I said before quickly gulping down more water.

I waited till she was clearly out of sight and brought up my initial question, “do you think she still has feelings for you?”

“Don’t know, don’t care,” he answered sternly. “And we are not going to find out either,” he added with that viper look returning to his eyes.

“Look, I’m just sensing a lot of underlying tension between the two of you and – oh shit, here she comes again, I’m seriously going to ask her,” I said as I wiped my mouth and gave him a smile from behind my white cloth napkin.

His ex-girlfriend laid our checks down on the table and begrudgingly asked if there was anything else she could get us, which Joseph once more ignored and I answered with a simple no. I started to hesitate, but I knew my window of opportunity was closing, so it was now or never. I decided to take my shot.

“Actually, miss,” I called out, forcing her to stop in her tracks and turn back around slowly. She was standing directly behind Joseph in the same place she had been nearly every time she visited our table. He looked up from his plate with sheer fear in his eyes.

“I’m really, really sorry to have to do this to you, but I can’t let you walk away again without asking. I’m sorry, but I just have to find out,” I asked masking my voice to sound nervously inquisitive, but maintaining my fresh smile nonetheless.

The color drained from both their faces and Joseph’s mouth began to gape in what was clearly absolute disbelief at the horror transpiring before him. Little beads of sweat were forming atop both their brows, I had paused long enough to reach maximum intensity with these two. The time to ask had finally arrived.

“I hate to make this so awkward, but I have been wondering something the entire time we have been in here and I feel like now is my last chance to ask, so really I just have to know.” As I talked they both looked more and more like a pair of ghosts. “Again, I am seriously so sorry to ask this of you, but would it be possible for me to get a to-go cup of iced water?”

It was like they both wanted to collapse to the floor, but instead, Joseph kicked me as hard as he could underneath the table, a direct shot too. My right leg was indefinitely numb thereafter, but I mean, can I really blame him? I had definitely asked for it and it was definitely worth it, so it was all in good fun. His ex-girlfriend on the other hand just yelped, “I’ll-get-you-one,” as though it were one solid word versus four and she bolted out of there.

“I seriously fucking hate you,” Joseph said as he wiped the beads of sweat away from his face. “My heart feels like it’s going to explode right out of my chest. You’re such an asshole,” he laughed, still in clear disbelief at what I had just done.

“I definitely am, but like a fun asshole, right?” I said with a grin as his ex-girlfriend placed my to-go cup of iced water in front of me and returned our credit cards to us without uttering a single word.

“No, like an asshole asshole,” Joseph smirked as he rose from the table. “Let’s get the fuck out of here,” he said as I followed him to the exit with my to-go cup of iced water firmly in hand.

Thank you, Joseph, for being such a good sport then and now and allowing me to share this wonderful story with everyone. You truly are simply the best! I do hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I loved retelling it. Joseph and I have a wealth of great memories we share, but this one most certainly ranks near the top – for me – probably not so much for him. I mean, maybe there is a small chance I was a bit of an asshole that day, but like with Melissa before him (see It’s All Coming Back To Me Now), I could not resist the opportunity to embarrass my good friend. That situation was literally gift wrapped for me and what kind of fool would I be to refuse such a gift? See you all next week and until then I hope each and everyone of you is out there living your best life!