The Breakfast Pan: An Omitted Shithead Story

When I wrote my book, Shithead, I had the luxury of having dozens upon dozens of stories from my brother’s eclectic past at my disposal. Knowing good and well that I wasn’t writing the next Harry Potter or Stephen King thriller, I knew I needed to cap out around 200 pages, which I managed, but as a result, some stories faced the chopping block. What you’re about to read is one such story. So, if you end up enjoying this, then I’m quite certain you’ll love the fifteen that comprise Shithead!

The Breakfast Pan: An Omitted Shithead Story

“Hey, uh, Sarah, this is Chris,” Chris said clumsily into the phone.

“Yeah babe, what’s up?”

“Yo Sarah!  I can’t believe it, but it like finally happened!”  Chris laughed goofily.

“What did Chris?  What finally happened?”

“My parents finally kicked me outta the house!”

“Oh my goodness!”  Sarah gasped.  “I can’t believe it!  Why!?!  Like what in the world even happened!?!  Where are you heading to now!?!  Where you gonna live!?!”  Sarah’s words were tripping over themselves to get off her tongue.  She was clearly shocked by her boyfriend’s news.

“I don’t even know,” Chris laughed before continuing, “I haven’t even really thought about that yet.  It’s really not that big a deal, since I’m gonna live to be 5,000 years old I’ll probably live in a whole lot of places.  Right now I’m just headin’ over to Dylan’s though for a little kickback.”

“Well babe, you gotta have someplace to live,” Sarah said with immense concern choosing to more or less ignore the 5,000 years of life comment.  “I’ll tell you what, why don’t you just come stay with me.”

“Oh man, seriously?”  Chris replied.  “That’d be totally awesome!”

“Yes, seriously,” Sarah said with conviction.  “Go ahead and go have a good time at Dylan’s and when you’re done just come on over to my place and we’ll get you set up here.  Just please don’t come too late.  You know I have an 8:00 class in the morning.”

“Oh man, Sarah, don’t worry!  I definitely won’t be too late,” Chris said happily.  “You’re the best.  I’ll text you when I’m on my way!”

*** Several Hours Later ***

“I thought I told you not too late?”  Sarah hissed at Chris as she grabbed two travel bags out of his trunk and carried one in each arm up the yard towards her apartment building.

“Look Sarah,” Chris began as he continued stacking more and more things in his arms.  “I had a really rough day, alright.  My parents literally kicked me out of my house and I just wanted to go smoke a little weed at Dylan’s and forget about all that bad energy.  You know what I’m sayin’?”

“I mean, I guess,” Sarah began hesitantly in a softer voice now that the pair of them entered her apartment building and set off up the steps.  “It’s just that it’s after midnight and I have my 8:00 geology class in the morning.  You know that’s my major.  I have to make sure I’m with it for those courses.”

“Sarah, you worry too much, I’ll just make you breakfast in the morning,” Chris laughed as he struggled to manage the overload of boxes and clothing he had piled in his arms.

“Please do not drop all of that,” Sarah pleaded fearfully before adding, “you’ll wake up the entire building if you do.”

“I totally got this, Sarah,” Chris laughed again as he used the wall of the stairwell to stop the top of the clothes mound from sliding off.  “I’m not gonna drop anything,” Chris added with a goofy yet confident grin.

Sarah entered her apartment just ahead of Chris and walked back to the living room to leave the two bags of Chris’s she had been carrying on the floor near the couch.  Chris saw her desk up against the corner wall and moved quickly to rest the two boxes he had at the bottom of the pile in his arms upon.

As he set the boxes on top the desk he adjusted his arms to just carry the mound of clothing he had heaped above them out away from the desk, however, in doing so, he drug the two boxes right off the desk and down onto the floor.

Given the severe lack of other noises at nearly one o’clock in the morning, the sound of two over-packed boxes crashing to the floor forcing their contents to be strewn about every which way created an almost deafening noise that caused Sarah to scream atop her lungs and Chris to just stand there laughing loudly at all the chaos and commotion.

“Chris!  What in the world!?!”  Sarah hissed through deep breaths.  “My door is still open!  We probably just woke the entire building!”

“Well, I don’t know about the entire building, but you definitely got me up out of bed,” a scantily clad early twenty-something woman said as she appeared in a bedroom door frame.  “What’re you two even doing!?!  Why didn’t you just leave all his shit in the car till the morning!?!”  She said as she bent over and picked up a large frying pan that had caused a large portion of the noise.

“This is my breakfast pan, thanks!” Chris laughed as he grabbed the pan from the young woman’s hands. “I’m totally gonna start making us breakfast in the morning’s.”

“Oh my goodness, Kelly,” Sarah said with regret.  “I’m seriously so sorry we woke you.  I’m so, so sorry.  You’re super right, we should’ve just left all this in his car and brought it in tomorrow.”

“Well, it’s too late for that now, now that it’s all over our front room,” Kelly said as she shut their apartment door.  “Wait Chris,” she began with a sly grin as she twirled around to face the two of them.  “Where are you going to be sleeping?  I’m sure this old prude isn’t sharing her bed.”

“He’s sleeping on the couch,” Sarah answered instantly.

“Well, if that old couch gets a too lumpy for ya, feel free to come join me in my room.  My mattress was made for two,” Kelly smoldered as she flashed Chris a wink.

“Nope.  Not happening,” Sarah said dryly as she started placing some the misplaced items back inside what was now a basically empty box.  “Stay away from my boyfriend, Kelly.”

“Ah, you’re no fun,” Kelly pouted as she walked back into her room.  “Goodnight dears,” she said as she shut the door behind her.

“Sarah, what are you doing?  Stop cleaning up this mess,” Chris said as he lovingly pulled her up off the floor.  “Seriously, just go to bed and I’ll clean all this up.  I literally got all the time in the world,” he said with a smile as she heeded his concern and with a loving kiss goodnight left him alone with the mess.

*** The Next Morning ***

Despite it only having been a couple of hours since the mild chaos of the night before, Chris was able to get up at the same time as Sarah to start preparing the breakfast he had promised.

“Oh my goodness, it smells really good,” Sarah said as she walked into the kitchen from the great room where everything that had fallen to the floor the night before laid exactly where it had been when she went to bed. “I’m going to open this window to let some fresh air and sunshine pour into the room,” she added as she did just that. “Babe, do you want me to pack everything back inside those boxes while you finish breakfast up?” Sarah asked as she stood there in front of one of the kitchen chairs.

“What!?!”  Chris laughed goofily.  “No way! I just want you to sit down in that chair you’re holding and eat this breakfast I made for you.  It’s scrambled eggs, black beans, and spinach, all mixed together in a bowl.  I call it a breakfast bowl.”

“Oh,” Sarah said cautiously as she looked down at the steaming breakfast bowl Chris laid in front of her.  “So, you’re gonna clean that room up still, right?”

“Don’t even worry about that room,” Chris laughed.  “I already told you, I got all the time in the world, just eat your breakfast.

Begrudgingly, Sarah ate what little bit of her breakfast she could.  Black beans and spinach weren’t necessarily what she had in mind for breakfast, but she was able to eat around those and finish the scrambled eggs portion of the dish.  She felt an obligation to finish as much of it as she could since he was nice enough to make it for her.

“Man, I got so much thinking to do today,” Chris said philosophically.  “I just really gotta figure somethings out, you know?”

“Yeah, I can imagine, yesterday was kind of a rough day for you, but hey babe, I really got to run,” Sarah said as she got up from the kitchen table and quietly dumped the rest of her breakfast in the trash before grabbing her school bag.  “I have to meet with some people from my geology class this afternoon, so I probably won’t be home till seriously about 8:00 tonight,” she said as she gave Chris a quick little kiss on the cheek and passed a now awake Kelly on her way out the door.

“Bye girl,” Kelly waved as she shut and dead bolted the apartment door behind Sarah .  “So big boy, now that the prude’s gone, how bout’ you come back to bed with me?”

“Uh, what?”  Chris responded wide-eyed as he tried to busy himself to avoid any and all eye contact.

“Oh, come on,” Kelly pouted.

“Sorry, I’m not that kind of guy,” Chris said somewhat matter-of-factly.

“Boo, you’re no fun,” Kelly responded with a pouty lip before heading into the bathroom and turning the shower on.  “I’ll leave this door open if you should change your mind and decide to come join me.”

“Probably not, but thanks anyway,” Chris responded as he laid down on the couch and covered himself with a multitude of blankets.  “I got a lot of thinking to do today, so I need to get some serious rest.”

*** Later That Evening ***

“Chris, wake up,” Sarah said as she shook him gently.  “Chris, wake up,” she repeated.

“Oh, man,” Chris said groggily as he wiped his eyes and stretched.  “Whoa, what time is it?”  He questioned as he noticed the clearly darkened sky on the other side of the now shut window.

“Babe, it’s after 8:00,” Sarah remarked in a mystified tone.  “What did you even do today?  I noticed you still haven’t got around to cleaning up all your stuff on the floor in the great room that’s been there for almost twenty-four hours now and the mess you made from breakfast is all still there too.”

“Oh man,” Chris laughed through a yawn.  “I’m seriously so sorry, I totally meant to clean all that up, but I fell asleep when I was doing all my thinking.”

“You fell asleep when you were doing all your thinking…”  Sarah repeated with a slight tinge of disbelief in her voice.

“Oh yeah, after yesterday I just felt like I needed to reevaluate my life with everything that happened and I’m gonna have to start making some serious changes,” Chris said as he removed the blankets from off him and sat upright on the couch.

“Well, that’s good,” Sarah said as she sat down on the now empty half of the couch.  “What all did you think about or come up with?”

“Well, mostly what I realized is that there’s no way I’m going to be able to live to be 5,000 years old,” Chris began in the serious tone that Sarah rarely heard from him.

“Wait, what?”  Sarah asked in amplified disbelief.

“Yeah, I just don’t really see that as being possible, you know?” Chris said as he nodded his head.  “I feel like I was just overthinking that, I think 2,500 is probably more realistic for me.”

“Babe, what?”  Sarah laughed slightly, but more out of utter skepticism than humor.  “I was literally gone for over twelve hours today and I come home and you didn’t even clean up either of the two messes you’ve made and when you told me you had some thinking to do, I thought it was going to be about your life and where you’re hoping to take it since being evicted from your parents.”

“Look, Sarah,” Chris began with a laugh.  “I seriously had so much thinking to do today and that’s literally all I thought about is what I’m going to do next in my life.  That’s how I realized I was never going to make it to 5,000 years old, but I promise you, I’ll definitely live to be 2,500.”

“You promise me?”  Sarah questioned as she shook her head.  “Babe, I’ll never know if you do or not because I’ll be dead.  If you do, you’ll have outlived me by probably 2,400 years,” she sighed as she got up off the couch.  “Look, I don’t mind you staying here, but you have got to clean up the messes you make,” she said sternly.  “I clean up my messes, Kelly cleans up hers, so now if Chris is going to live here, he has to clean up his.”

“Sarah, don’t worry,” Chris laughed as he got up off the couch giving Sarah an indication he was going to start cleaning up.  “I’m not even really working right now, so I seriously have all the time in the world to clean this place up.  Just don’t worry about it, okay.  I totally got this.”

*** One Week Later ***

“YOU SHOWERED WITH HER!?!”  A reddened face Sarah screamed atop her lungs.

“Yeah, but it’s seriously all we did,” Chris responded innocently.  “I was running late for my meeting and thought it would save some time instead of waiting for her to get done.  Plus, she’s been inviting me to shower with her all week.”

“YOU’VE BEEN INVITING HIM TO SHOWER WITH YOU ALL WEEK!?!”  Sarah screamed even louder.

“Girl, chill,” Kelly said.  “He swatted my hand away when I grabbed his balls.  You totally really don’t have anything to worry about.”

Sarah took several deep breaths and sipped some of the ice water from the glass she was holding.  “Kelly, I need you to just stay out of this.  Please just go to your room or leave or go literally any place else because I can’t with you right now.”

“Okay, fine,” Kelly said as she grabbed her purse and left the apartment.

Sarah waited for the door to shut behind her before she started screaming at Chris again, “HOW COULD YOU!?!”

“Sarah, just calm down,” Chris laughed.  “You heard her, nothing even happened.  I wasn’t going to cheat on you with her.  It was just to save time.”

“JUST TO SAVE TIME!”  Sarah screamed as she laughed slightly too.  “You’re truly a piece of work, you know that!?!”

“I promise you, it was seriously just to save time,” Chris smiled as he raised his hands up innocently.  “Since I woke up late I was just really rushed.”

“You’ve literally been telling me all week that you have all the time in the world, so why would you need to save any of that time by showering with my roommate!?!”  Sarah laughed as she turned away from Chris to hide the tears of anger that had started to form in her eyes.  “I’m so done with you.  I literally can’t do this anymore.  Living with you is like living with a fucking baby.”

Chris’s smiled faded and he stared intently in her direction.  She had turned around to see the serious look now on his face and could tell he was thinking hard about something. They both continued standing there and staring at one another in silence before Sarah couldn’t handle this scenario any longer.

“Why don’t you tell me exactly what it is you’re thinking about,” she demanded of him.

“Oh man, okay, well, since I’m 27 years old, if you take 27 and divide it by 2,500 then I’m basically just one year’s old.  So yeah, you’re totally right!  It would be like living with a baby.  Wow, I seriously never thought about it like that before,” Chris responded so very matter-of-factly.

“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Sarah screamed as she whipped around to face Chris.  “WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?!  I AM SO FUCKING DONE WITH YOU!  I DON’T EVEN CARE! GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT!  GET OUT!  GGGGGOOOOOOOOOO!”

“Look Sarah, just calm down,” Chris said as he walked towards where she stood in the kitchen from the great room.

“Do not dare come near me,” Sarah said as she stepped back.  “I’m so done with you right now!  You’re truly unbelievable!  You know that?  You’re just such a fucking shithead!”

“Why don’t you just let me make you some dinner and we can talk about this.” Chris said with a goofy grin and a laugh as he stepped back away from her.

“SO I CAN CLEAN UP THAT FUCKING MESS TOO!?!”  Sarah screamed as the tears of anger now began flowing freely down her face.  “NNNNOOOOOOOO!  NOT HAPPENING!  NOT A CHANCE!  JUST GET OUT!  GO!  PACK YOUR STUPID SHIT UP AND LEAVE!  DON’T FORGET THIS ANNOYING FUCKING BREAKFAST PAN!  JUST GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT!”

“Listen Sarah” Chris began, but was cut off by the glass of ice water Sarah had thrown at his head.  “Sarah!  Stop!  Come on!”  Chris pleaded as he ducked behind the couch and avoided being hit by the drinking glass that just shattered against the wall behind him.

“GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT!  GO!  NNNNOOOOOOOOWWWW!”  Sarah screamed in a frenzy as she threw more glasses and plates across the room in Chris’s direction each time he peeked his head above the sofa.

“Okay!  I totally will if you will seriously just quit throwing things at me,” Chris laughed as he stood up from behind the couch with both hands raised in surrender.

Chris grabbed the two boxes that Sarah had neatly packed together earlier in the week and hustled out of the apartment and down the stairs back to his car with them.  He then went back inside the building to head up and get the rest of his things when he saw she had already thrown them all down from the third level and they laid there for him right in front of the door.  Several of the other residents were standing outside of their apartment doors watching Chris gather up his tossed down belongings.

“Oh ah, hey everybody!”  Chris laughed goofily as he looked up and noticed his audience of about a half dozen.  “I think me and my girlfriend just broke up.  She said living with me was like living with a baby and I did the calculations based off me living to be 2,500 and mathematically I’m basically just one year’s old!”

A couple people laughed, but the rest turned around and went back inside their homes as Chris continued scooping up his clothing and such in his arms.  Realizing he was without his pride and joy he hollered up the atrium, “HEY SARAH!  THANKS FOR SAVING ME ALL THOSE TRIPS UP AND DOWN, BUT I STILL NEED MY BREAKFAST PAN!”

“YOU MEAN THIS ONE!?!”  Sarah said as she threw the pan down at Chris with all her might causing him to jump back out the building through the open pair of doors.

The pan hit the tile so hard that the handle broke clear off and sent the two pieces of the pan flying in separate directions.  

“YEAH, THAT ONE!”  Chris called out up to her.  “OH MAN, HEY!  YOU BROKE IT, BUT DON’T WORRY!  IT WAS JUST MY MOM’S!  SHE’LL JUST HAVE TO GET A NEW ONE!”  With those words Chris grabbed his remaining clothes up off the tiled floor and left Sarah’s apartment and the two halves of the frying pan behind for good.

The End!

Well, there you have it! My sole purpose with Shithead is to entertain and I hope that while this story didn’t make the final cut, you found yourself entertained by it nonetheless. I would sincerely LOVE some feedback on this one, so PLEASE leave me a comment below the ads! I’m looking forward to reading and replying to any and all your thoughts even more than usual! As always, THANK YOU so very much for reading! I’ll be back next week with another all-new blog, so until then, I hope you have THE BEST week ever!