Masochist

If you’re expecting this post to have ANYTHING to do with Part 1 of this definition then let me tell you right now, you’re going to be really upset because that is NOT what I’m saying about this blog. We are solely focusing on Part 2 for this piece…

I fully realized I was a complete and total masochist the other night after Melissa and I finished watching the eighth and final episode of Amazon Prime’s new series, I Know What You Did Last Summer. This show was an updated take on the 1997 classic horror film of the same name, but whereas the movie remains a cinematic staple for millennials and anyone with great tastes, the series was a complete and total abomination that should’ve NEVER been made.

Now don’t let me confuse you into thinking we just maybe hated the ending or perhaps it started off a little rough and got better as it progressed, nope, not at all. It was quite genuinely a piece of trash garbage from the get go. It began terribly and only managed to get worse from there. Really and truly, we hated every single second of it, but nonetheless, we powered through, continuing to foolishly believe that someway, somehow it would just magically get better.

I feel like we can’t be fully blamed for this level of optimism though, I mean, the original movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, Ryan Phillippe, Freddie Prinze Jr., and the one and only, Sarah Michelle Gellar is a complete and total masterpiece in suspense and horror, so of course we thought some of that would be sprinkled into the show. Sadly, it never was. The entire series was void of scares and had a cast so awful and miserable that I was praying more than one of them would die in each episode. It always disappointed me when it was just a single death at the end.

Finishing this remarkable waste of time proved once more that time and time again I apparently love to watch what I hate. I’ve sat through show after show and hated every single episode, but have remained stupidly steadfast in my determination to finish because of my unnecessary yearning to know how the damn thing ends! WHY!?! Why in the world do I do this to myself!?! I cannot make it make sense, but at least here in this post I’m going to try.

I Know What You Did Last Summer can now safely join the ever expanding list of televisions shows I’ve consumed all the way through and have absolutely detested. Another perfect example is Riverdale. Lord, have mercy on our souls! What a piece of trash garbage this show has become, but here we are, having just watched the first episode of season five and hating every moment of it. Now let me say that with Riverdale though, season one was spectacular and we loved it! Then season two was mediocre at best, but after suffering through diabolical season three we should NEVER have allowed ourselves to make it to season four, but like I just said, we literally just started season five. What is the matter with us!?!

There is no possible way any of this can be healthy, yet I find myself completely powerless to stop and then there’s potentially poor Melissa. Is she a masochist too or is she just twisted up in my sick game of watching shitty shows? At this point, the world may never know because she’s been right there with me for nearly every single painstaking viewing.

We’ve both watched all the Marvel shows recently and hated each of them with a burning passion causing us both to believe that Marvel is losing its top tier touch. Sure, Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings was one of their best films in recent memory, but these television shows are just horrendous! WandaVision was stupid nonsense – minus our beloved Agatha, so thank goodness she’s getting her own series! Plenty of thoughts and prayers towards that one being enjoyably acceptable. Falcon and the Winter Soldier was the biggest borefest one could imagine and took us months to watch because it was so boring we dreaded putting it on, yet you better believe we always did! Then there’s Loki, we watched the first episode and bitched through the entire greatest hits montage that it was, but don’t worry, we still plan on agonizing through the remaining handful because at this point, I mean, we started it, how could we possibly quit now!?!

I wish I could tell you our masochism was developed during these pandemic times, but that’d be a bold face lie. In fact, it’s been going on for as long as I can even remember. Melissa and I watched Dawson’s Creek many, many years after it originally aired and literally it took us SIX YEARS to watch, which is the EXACT number of years it ran for on television! We hated it so, so much, but like with everything else, we just hustled through apparently loving the torture of watching each abysmal episode. At least there was plenty for us to make fun of in that show much unlike One Tree Hill. Now the difference here though is I originally watched One Tree Hill when it was airing new episodes and enjoyed it way back then, but when we went back and watched it recently I kept thinking, what the fucking fuck is this!?! Clearly I had some shitty tastes back in my youth because that show is not at all good. How was I watching it and actually enjoying it!?! Makes no sense now and shame on me.

There’s only ever been one show that we both hated so incredibly much that we couldn’t suffer through another single moment and abandoned it before ever finishing. This show being 13 Reasons Why. It was just the worst and we didn’t care at all that that bitch had killed herself because she was just awful and shame on her for trying to blame all her peers afterwards. Honestly, their lives were better off without her and if you’ve seen the show, you know exactly what I’m talking about. I know all that sounds rather harsh, but my goodness, it was just atrocious and not nearly as edgy or boundary pushing as it was heralded as being. Any topic it covered had already been done so in much better fashion in any of the teen dramas that preceded it. You know it had to be the lowest of the low if Melissa and I couldn’t even find any sick pleasure in its god awfulness. 0/10 wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I wish I could end this by telling you that all the shows I’ve listed above are the only ones I’ve suffered through, but again, I’d be lying. The Haunting of Hill House, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, and Gotham are all others that I should’ve stopped long before I completed each individual series. I’m most certain that there are inevitably more, but I can’t seem to think of them right now, but just know they exist, and they always will exist. Honestly, I cannot ever imagine there being a time in my life where I will ever attempt to deprive myself of the pleasure of my television driven pain and suffering. Like that beautiful John Mellencamp song I love so much, they make it hurt so good.

As always, THANK YOU so much for reading! PLEASE feel free to leave me a comment below as I absolutely LOVE reading and responding to each and every single one of them! I’ll return soon, but until then, I wish you all, all THE BEST!