“Still… Could Be Worse. My Nose Could Be Gushing Blood.”

There is only one thing in this entire world that I truly hate and under nearly all circumstances, cannot withstand. That one and only thing being blood. Now I’m sure plenty of you right now are like, HOLD UP, I’ve heard him say he “hates” this or that and sure, I most definitely use that term from time to time, but only in the most applicable of situations.

For example, I definitely hate being around drunk people, they’re the lowest common denominator of themselves and being around them is just the worst for me. I don’t find it at all funny or entertaining, I find it incredibly incorrigible. I also hate the smell of marijuana and find it extremely offensive as it infiltrates everything. I’d honestly rather smell someone’s flatulence because at least those dissipate, marijuana lingers forever and it just reeks of low rent humanity. Now I’m not judging here, you know me, judging’s for Jesus, not for Ben. So if you want to get drunk and high, that’s totally fine, I just won’t be around when you’re doing it and trust me, you wouldn’t want me there anyway. Now aside from these two vices, I really don’t hate much of anything as they really are the only true distant runner-ups to my ultimate kryptonite: blood.

When I say I cannot handle blood I mean that in essentially every sense of the expression: I. cannot handle. it. – at all. The sight of it causes my body temperature to rise dramatically, which makes me start sweating very obnoxiously, all the while feeling increasingly nauseous and light-headed as though I’m going to topple over at any given moment. This feeling happens at any sight of blood, whether it be my own or another’s. My aversion is so bad that I cannot even listen to someone share a story that involves blood. I literally have to walk away because just the mere mention of the word usually sends me into this unavoidable tailspin. I don’t know what it is, but I just cannot take it. I must’ve died in the most gruesome manner in a past life or something of that sorts because nothing has ever happened in this one to warrant this inconceivable response.

The first memory I have of not being able to handle blood was when I was less than five years old (I know this because we were living at our house in Madison, Illinois at the time and we moved when I was five) and I was riding my Big Wheel along the sidewalk and for whatever reason, I ran over my own fingers (I know, what!?! Kids literally do the dumbest shit, myself included) and they were a bloody mess. I remember screaming, crying, and just being in a sheer panic. “I got a boo-boo! I need a band-aid,” I’ve been told I screamed. I mean, perhaps this scarred me so badly it induced my lifetime of blood related trauma, but I’ve never had any problems sharing this story or reflecting on this monstrous memory, so I’m going to still go with something awful went down in a past life because this just isn’t enough to warrant this hyperactive response to blood-related situations.

As we all know, I love the movies and enjoy all genres, but horror remains one of my top favorites. Blood is quite commonplace within the horror genre, so this does cause me some uncomfortability when watching, but I’ve found a way in which I can still enjoy the film and miss a minimal amount of the sequences on screen.

I look towards the top right corner of the screen and focus intensely on what is usually nothing as the primary visuals are happening in the center. I can somewhat still see them so I’m missing little to nothing, but the main images are so subsided that I can press on through the film. There’ve only been a couple movies where I had to get up and catch my breath before grabbing some water to calm myself down with. Top among them was the 2002 horror flick, Cabin Fever.

This movie centers on five college aged kids who rent a cabin in the woods and one by one fall victim to a flesh eating virus. I thought I was going to pass out at one point and had to go take a seat in the theater lobby. Despite having watched this insanity over two decades ago, that cinematic trauma has stuck with me all these years. There was a 2016 remake that suffice it to say, I have not, nor will ever watch! No way and no thank you! I cannot imagine suffering through that again! Thinking of it now makes me feel queasy! That movie is simply the worst!

Despite my inability to deal with blood, there are a pair of instances when I was capable of overcoming myself and handling the two situations at hand.

The first instance happened when I took the triplets (Logan, Gabby, and Garrett) to Oceanside Beach in Oceanside, California back when they were just twelve. After an eventful car ride that peaked with a great deal of commotion from a spilt Shamrock Shake, we arrived at the beach where we had a couple hours of fun in the sun. Well, while swimming, Logan called out to me that he was bleeding. Immediately I sprung into action. My ultimate fear in this world is sharks, so I swam over to Logan, grabbed him, and carried him out of the water while yelling at Gabby and Garrett to vacate the seas. Garrett of course had to know why he and Gabby had to get out when Logan was the one bleeding and I told him, “sharks can smell blood from miles away! Unless you want to get eaten and die, you best listen to me and stay out of that water!” With my elevated vocals, several others around us took notice and for the time being, the sands swelled with the people who were once in the waves. I then had Garrett and Gabby stay with Logan on the beach while I ran back to my car to get the First Aid Kit. I returned to bandage Logan’s cut without any issue. While I can admit it was truly nothing major, just a small cut, it was still very much bleeding and despite the blood leaking from his foot, I was able to doctor him up without any of the normalness that typically befalls me when it comes to bloody situations.

The second situation occurred a few years later and again with the triplets, plus their friend Colsen had been added to the mix this time around. The five of us got ice cream one evening at Cold Stone Creamery as we regularly did and before we even left the parking lot, Garrett’s nose was gushing blood in the backseat of my car. I parked once more and had Logan, who always sat in the front as he is my Co-Pilot, hand me all the available napkins from the glove box while I reached in the backseat and held them against Garrett’s profusely bleeding nose. It was awful because there was so much blood and Garrett’s shirt was white, so regrettably, it had gotten all over it. While I of course felt sorry for my little buddy as his nose was super bleeding, he reaped what he sewed as he was antagonizing Colsen from the second we got in the car and Colsen merely just popped him in the nose in retaliation. While the situation was far from desirable, it definitely made sense and despite all my hatred of blood, I had no qualms about holding napkin after napkin against Garrett’s gushing nose and getting his blood all over my fingers.

I regard these two scenarios as miracle moments. I obviously jumped into protective parental mode when my babies were in pain, but the fact I could totally and completely address their bloody wounds with none of my typical feelings is genuinely unfathomable, especially since there’ve been a handful of similar situations since where each time I’ve been rendered completely and totally useless and always have to rapidly flee the scene. I have never been able to withstand a single bloody moment before, in between, or after these two, which is why they will forever be regarded by me as miracle moments because my performative abilities during them were nothing short of miraculous.

Now, after reading this, you’re probably thinking that the title of this post refers to Garrett’s oft-putting situation, but in actuality, the title is a quote from my second favorite film of all time, Batman Returns.

Danny DeVito’s grotesque but brilliant portrayal as the Penguin showcased him in a variety of bloody situations, one worse than the next, but my favorite – this term being used loosely here since “blood” and “favorite” are two words I’d prefer not to ever use together – is when Christopher Walken’s, Max Shreck, is grooming Penguin to be the next mayor of Gotham City and a pair of image consultants are remarking on Penguin’s appearance. Penguin laughs along with everyone at the man’s comments about there being no reflective surfaces in the sewers before telling them, “still… could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.” He then proceeds to bite the guy’s nose, causing it to, in fact, gush blood.

I dread this scene each time, but simultaneously love it. I’ve developed a sense of immunity to it too as I can usually watch right through without directing my eyes to the top right hand corner. Progress people, progress. I’ve easily seen this movie well over two hundred times though, so maybe I just need about two hundred more bloody experiences to overcome my immense aversion to all things blood in this world. You know, maybe it’d help if I got a job with my wife in her laboratory! She works with blood all day everyday, so that immense exposure would definite cause me to either sink or swim real fast! Lowkey I suspect I’d sink right down into some metaphorical shark-infested blood stained waters and remain out for the count, so let us hope it never comes to this, after all, Lil’ Cutie Melissa is too young to be a widow.

Well, as always, THANK YOU so much for viewing! I appreciate you immensely! Please feel free to leave a comment below as I love reading and responding to them! I’ll be back soon with another all-new post, so until then, I wish you all, all the best!