I Drove All Night

This past Friday night Melissa, Nancy, and I went to the Fabulous Fox Theatre to see the American Idol Live! tour and about two third’s of the way through that karaoke extravaganza a particular performance triggered a memory that I thought I had wiped clean from my mind. A memory so dark, so demented, and so despicable that I never wanted to revisit it again, but here I was sitting in my posh seat in the Fabulous Fox doing just that. My nightmare had come to life.

We failed to watch American Idol season sixteen past the auditions round, so we did not attend this concert for the seven finalists’ that were there performing. In fact, past the winner, Maddie Poppe and her semi-hit song, Going Going Gone, (which I do love) I didn’t know a single one of them, but we did not come to this show for them. We came because newly manufactured boyband, In Real Life, the product of another ABC show, Boyband, and American Idol season eight champion Kris Allen were both on the roster of performers.

Boyband’s are an essential thread in the fabric of pop culture DNA. I cannot imagine what our world would be like without them, so it certainly came as no surprise to us that In Real Life’s six song opening set was everything we were hoping for and more. Their surprise cover of One Direction’s smash hit, Drag Me Down was the jam we didn’t know we needed and we loved every second of it. The only drawback of their performance was when it ended and the karaoke brigade took the stage.

I have never been to an American Idol Live! tour before, so I am not sure how past ones faired, but the family band act that these kids were putting on just wasn’t cutting it for me. Poor Kris Allen, they only allowed him to perform four of his own songs and half the time they had him up on stage playing guitar or singing backup vocals for these amateurs. I know Kris is a humble guy, but come on now American Idol! Get your shit together! I felt embarrassed and even a little angry for him. I know the guy hasn’t had a hit in a minute, but still, he won your show when it was in it’s prime, so give the man the respect he deserves here.

Well, amidst all this madness there was one Idol contestant who butchered not one, BUT TWO songs by the one artist NO ONE should EVER cover, EVER! I almost feel like I should Voldemort his ass and refer to him as He Who Must Not Be Named, but I feel like everyone needs to know, so collectively we can boycott him for his terror-inducing transgressions. He is Michael J. Woodard and he is a talentless idiot.

Early in the Idol set Michael came out and performed the iconic theme from the first animated film to ever be nominated for an Academy Award for Best Picture: Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. I wanted to fall out of my seat when he sang through half of the first verse before I even realized what he was destroying. I failed to notice what he was performing because he was absolutely butchering the song. The arrangement was just bizarre, his voice blew across the lyrics like a tornado across Oklahoma, and his mannequin stance showcased that he was incredibly ill-prepared to be taking on such an iconic theme, but if I was feeling sick then it was nothing to how I was about to be feeling later.

Michael was not yet finished serving us deconstructed Céline Dion covers. About forty-five minutes later he came back out and drove a knife through the heart of every person in our row. He defied logic and stood up on that stage performing the one song that everyone knows, the one song that everyone loves, the one song that defines not only a generation, but the entire human race. If there was ever one song above all others that will go down in history as the single most impactful jam of all time it would indisputably be Céline Dion’s, My Heart Will Go On, the love theme from the movie of movies, Titanic.

As soon as that fool started whispering every night in my dreams I wanted to charge the stage. How in this world was that man going to stand up there and showcase such heresy? I felt a rage come over me that I had not felt in nearly a decade. One that I thought I had banished any trace of from my psyche, but Michael taught me right then and there that I will obviously never rid myself of that emotion no matter how much I believe I have because no one, NO ONE does Céline dirty like that.

I was triggered by an act so callous and ungrateful like this only once before and it happened on February 4^th, 2009 when Céline herself graced my beautiful home city of St. Louis, Missouri with her heavenly presence.

Melissa and I were attending her concert that evening at what is now the Enterprise Center, but who even knows what it was back then. It is the downtown arena where the St. Louis Blues National Hockey League team plays their home games and where I have seen more concerts than anywhere else.

It only makes sense that the greatest vocalist in the history of humankind would have an opening act that doesn’t sing. Céline would never embarrass another artist, she is far too humble and kind for that, so she gave some Las Vegas comedian the opportunity to make the crowd laugh before she came out to do her thing. Well, once this individual left the stage the time had finally come for Céline to rock the house. At the time it had been a year and a half since Melissa and I had last seen Céline, but it felt like thirteen lifetimes. A year without Céline is like a hundred without air and as of this writing I am going on five centuries of suffocation.

As the lights blacked out and the megatron played the opening video montage of her preparing for the show the crowd started going absolutely insane. It was a thunderous roar like I had never heard before. This place was beyond ready to rock out with Céline. Then, the lights came on and the opening notes to I Drove All Night started up and with it the crowd rose to their feet screaming and cheering for the reason we were all united under this dome: Céline. It was a spiritual experience that I have only been able to duplicate three other times in my life – each of them while seeing Céline.

As Melissa and I stood there singing and dancing our hearts out to the tune that years later would become our Wedding Party Song the man behind us tapped Melissa on her elbow. I was far too into the moment to take notice, but Melissa turned around to see what his tapping was for and he was giving her an irritated look and the motion to sit down. As she should have Melissa turned back around and continued jiving and belting out this now classic Céline anthem.

Moments later this same man tapped Melissa on the elbow once more and this time when she turned around he yelled at her to sit down. I still was completely unaware that any of this was transpiring. I was in the zone. Melissa then found herself forced to interrupt the moment and tell me what was going on. I told her that I didn’t give two fucks if this man wanted us to sit. Everyone in the entire arena was on their feet jamming except this man and his wife, so why should we be punished because they cannot find it in themselves to do the same? We decided it best to maintain course until further interruption.

Well, further interruption didn’t take long to arrive. The man yanked on Melissa’s arm pulling her down into my side making us both turn around to face our adversaries. He yelled at us both to sit down and in that moment a force came over me that I had not felt since this past Friday night. One that caused every fiber of my being to become so enraged that I lost any sense of self-control I thought I had. I maintain a great Dr. Jekyll, but this asshole unleashed my Mr. Hyde.

“FFFUUUUUUCCCKKK YYYOOOOOUUUUU!!!”

I screamed at this man and his wife loud enough that it caught the attention of everyone in our general vicinity. My index finger was pointed right in this hateful old man’s face and I was shaking with rage. He cowered back in his seat and his wife grabbed a hold of his arm. They both looked scared to death – as they should have been – how dare this geriatric fuck interrupt our moment with Céline. I was livid. I stood there with my face in front of theirs for another handful of seconds before turning back around to enjoy what was left of I Drove All Night.

When I finally made eye contact again with Melissa she was still wearing the look of absolute shock my outburst dressed her in. I could not help myself. I had never experienced a more heinous moment in all my life and I didn’t know how to properly address the situation. All things considered I feel like I did alright though, those two didn’t give us any more problems and when the rest of the crowd stood, so did we.

I will readily admit that in retrospect there is a chance that perhaps these two were maybe not able to stand – they were pretty old – but if he would have started off the moment with a smile or maybe a polite asking it could have proceeded very differently. Grabbing Melissa’s arm and yanking her down into my side was not the proper course of action, so I maintain screaming a profanity and pointing my finger in his face was a justified reaction.

I mean, who doesn’t stand up and jam at a Céline Dion show!?! This isn’t Journey or Josh Groban for crying out loud! This was Céline! She is a vocal Olympian that makes every single other artist ever sound like a distant bronze medalist to her obvious gold. She can sing circles around anyone and everyone and deserves every adoration she has ever received and every single one she hasn’t. Her music means so much to me on such a spiritual level that I feel like I am at Mass whenever I am surrounded by her song. Billions of years of life on this planet and we are all blessed enough to be living in the Age of Céline. It’s amazing.

It is so amazing in fact that when people want to do her dirty like that old man in 2009 and Michael J. Woodard the other night I almost cannot handle myself. I maintained my seat for Michael’s performance, but I sang at the top of my lungs and I did so the way it is meant to be – not his perverse version – thus triggering an uproar of support from the people a few rows in front of us. They obviously understood the crime we were all watching Michael commit. My top-notch vocals did have an undesired affect though, a Fox Theatre usher came and stood right by our row for the next couple of songs, but the moment had passed. No other Idol was foolish enough to take on anymore Céline standards and Michael was finished maiming us for the evening.

Céline’s music should never have been mutilated like it was on these two separate occasions in St. Louis. This would never have happened in Las Vegas and Las Vegas is 1/100^th the town St. Louis is! Céline’s catalogue has me feelin’ emotions higher than the heavens above and I feel very protective of her work. She has gifted humanity with the greatest songbook of all time and the very least we can do is preserve it as it was intended.

As always, I thank you all for continuing on this literary journey with me. Your support means more than you could ever know. I hope following this read you all take the time to listen to your favorite Céline standard and give your mind, body, and soul the gift of her incredible music. Thank you again, you all are the best!