I’m Lovin’ It!

In a remarkable turn of events, my “controversial” post, Ex-Girlfriend, is currently my FIFTH most viewed blog to date! The fact that as of this posting it isn’t even two weeks old makes that success all the more surreal. I’m Lovin’ It marks my 31st blog thus far, so for one so young to blast into the top five in such a hyphenated period of time just absolutely wows me! The fallout from Ex-Girlfriend was crazier than I could have foreseen, but despite that loss, FAR more was gained.

So many of you reached out to me with words of encouragement following Fanmail that I wanted to give a HUGE THANK YOU to each of you right here and now! It is comforting to know that I have so many dedicated readers who support my work and value the harmless entertainment it brings. Your readership means everything to me because without you, there would be no need for me to share my stories! So without further adieu, here is a fresh story for your eyes to feast on…

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that my beautiful wife, Melissa, was so heavily influenced by Britney Spears in her youth that her ultimate dream car was a classic Ford Mustang just like the one Britney drove in the music video for her smash hit, “Stronger.” It also shouldn’t come as any surprise that being the sweet angel princess she is, her parents got her such a car one holiday season as her joint birthday and Christmas gift. Suffice it to say, Melissa was absolutely elated and fell crazy in love with that car. She felt that when she was behind the wheel she embodied the very essence of Britney and was living her best life from the fierce power Britney instilled in her.

In my pre-California life I absolutely hated driving. It didn’t matter if we were going to Bobby’s Frozen Custard, which is five minutes away from my parents house, you weren’t going to find me behind the wheel. I was perfectly content with being a passenger for life. As a result of my aversion to driving, Melissa would drive anywhere and everywhere we went. She was so sweet and gracious that she would even drive from her house in Edwardsville to mine in Maryville only for us to go back to Edwardsville to go see a movie. Now THAT is true love.

In the three plus years I lived in California it seems like driving is literally all I did, so thankfully, I forced myself through an evolution in order to avoid self extinction. The first Macy’s store I worked at was nearly 70 miles away from where I was living and when I was promoted to the second it was still nearly 40! By the time I fled my tyrannical boss at Macy’s for a career with Enterprise Rent-a-Car I was so accustomed to driving that my favorite part of that job was all the taxiing we did! I never could have imagined in 2014 that in 2016 the favorite part of my job would be to pick up and drop off customers at their homes. When I wasn’t driving for work I was driving for my friends as they all lived either 40 or 70 miles away and those that did live near me in Temecula (California Melissa and Nancy excluded) were all around thirteen at the time, so I was eternally chauffeuring. All this California driving made me a changed man though because now that I am back in St. Louis, I actually prefer to drive anywhere Melissa and I go. After all, her brand new 2008 Nissan Altima doesn’t even have Sirius XM radio and everyone knows, commercials are for poor people!

I’ve steered us off course here, so let me get things back on track, Melissa loved that Britney Spears inspired Ford Mustang and insisted driving it always despite the fact her parents Oldsmobile Aurora was infinitely superior, but nonetheless, it was regulated to collect dust on the driveway. Poor Club Aurora, as we so affectionately referred to that Oldsmobile, she was forced to take a backseat to this new addition to Melissa’s life.

Now y’all know me, I’m not a complainer. Jesus help me if I ever complain, but Tang 67, the name I insisted on calling Melissa’s Mustang, was not my favorite car. I obviously appreciated the eternal reference to Britney, but past that, there was not much else I loved about this car. It was terribly loud and I hate obnoxious car engines – why can’t they all be silent? – and worse than that! Tang 67 didn’t even have cup holders! So all the McDonald’s Coca-Cola’s I drank had to sit between my thighs whenever we were driving. Every time I got up out of that car I would look like I had peed my pants and by now I think you all know me well enough to know that I NEVER pee my pants – strictly just poop them. It’s just gross if you pee your pants. I only ever did it once – sophomore year of high school – and I will never do it again because it was literally the worst.

On one of our final adventures in Tang 67 we were in good old Troy, Illinois stalking the homes of some of the players on our Bruisers Soccer team when we decided it was time for us to fill up – our stomachs that is – so we set course for my #1 choice, McDonald’s.

You all already know I think McDonald’s is the absolute paramount of fine dining. Honest to God, if I had just one final meal on this Earth before death and I could choose anything from anyplace, I would get a Big Mac and French Fries with an iced cold Coca-Cola from McDonald’s. I wouldn’t even need a second to think about it, that is how much I’m Lovin’ It! McDonald’s truly is simply the best!

As Tang 67 rumbled loudly in that Troy McDonald’s drive thru line, inevitably making it difficult for other patrons to place their orders over Tang’s elevated rumbles, Melissa took notice that the engine was really starting to heat up. She swiftly turned the dial to start blasting the heat in an attempt to cool the engine down. It was summer time and hot outside as is, so having all this heat blow on us was not desirable, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

It came time for us to order, which of course we did, but from the spot we ordered in up to the first window where we were to pay, a small bit of smoke started to seep out from under the hood. We paid the cashier, who informed us of such, which was super nice because what if we had not noticed? That girl was really looking out for us. We then we inched forward to grab our delicacies, but by the time we got to the pickup window, Tang 67 was really smoking! I mean that smoke was barreling out from underneath that hood, so Melissa grabbed our food, and then abruptly pulled into one of the first available parking spots off to the side of the building.

Melissa immediately killed the engine and popped open the hood and we then both hurried out to look up underneath it. Even to this day I don’t know anything about cars, so I wasn’t standing beside her to help fix the problem necessarily, just to make sure our McDonald’s was safe. I mean, what if Tang 67 was about to explode! I didn’t want our McDonald’s to go up in flames! This isn’t Burger King! These hamburgers aren’t meant to be flame-grilled!

With the car shut off the smoke thankfully started to subside. Once it evaporated and cool downed some Melissa started unscrewing a couple of the tops to check various liquid levels and arrived at the conclusion she would need to call her dad to come rescue us.

It didn’t take long for Wayne to arrive and he look up underneath the hood and determined that she was in need of something – I could not tell you what, but something important was needed – and that he would be able to get it in the morning, but for tonight, Tang 67 would have to remain right where she was.

“You need to go tell the McDonald’s people that you’re leaving this car here overnight, so they don’t have it towed or something,” I told Melissa.

“Ugh! That’s going to be so embarrassing!” She replied in distress.

“Embarrassing?” I questioned, it was an odd reaction I thought, but Melissa began to look more and more put out by the prospect of this upcoming interaction. “It’s not embarrassing, it’s necessary! Embarrassing is wearing brown shoes with black pants in an important announcement video! You don’t want to come tomorrow morning only to find Tang 67 has been towed away!”

“Dammit, you’re right,” she smirked as she started to walk off.

“Just go tell them it’s broke down and you’ll be back with the part in the morning, they’re not going to care,” I called out at Melissa as she walked further away.

I was about to get in Wayne’s car when I froze and looked on at Melissa in horror. As I watched her in complete disbelief and awe I realized why she was so worried about being embarrassed by this small ordeal.

Rather than going inside the restaurant to tell whomever at the counter she was going to be leaving her car here overnight she stopped a car in the drive-thru and awkwardly walked up to the second drive-thru window.

The look on the drivers face from inside the car she interrupted was one of absolute disbelief. She put her hands out to make sure he did not pull forward as he watched on in horror and I stood there with her dad radically laughing. I don’t think anyone who was watching this could believe what they were seeing. With extreme caution the drive-thru operator opened the window to speak with Melissa. Her face began all twisted and fearful, but eased up considerably when Melissa motioned back at Tang 67 and the girl was able to better understand Melissa’s plight. Their conversation seemed like it was going on forever and I am sure the boy in the blocked car was perplexed beyond anything. I mean, it’s not every night you go through McDonald’s and a college aged girl walks in front your car to talk to the worker in the vehicle drive-thru window. This boy now had a story of his own to share. Once Melissa had wrapped up telling the McDonald’s girl that Tang 67 would be spending the night she motioned another round of apologies at the blocked car and scurried over as fast as her little feet would carry her back to her dad and I who were still very much hysterical with laughter.

“Shut up,” she laughed awkwardly as she moved her hand like she was going to smack me.

“You’re right! That was super embarrassing! Why in the world didn’t you just go inside!?!” I asked through fits of laughter.

The color drained completely from Melissa’s face before she whipped around and looked inside the lobby where we could clearly see a couple of patrons moving about.

“Oh my God,” the words slowly left her mouth and she looked like she was going to be sick. “All this time I thought the lobby was closed. Oh my God. I can’t believe I did that. Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed.” She held on to the side of her dad’s car for support as she stumbled around it to get in the front passenger seat muttering the whole way.

I climbed inside the vehicle still crying with laughter at the brief ordeal. “It’s not even 10:00…” I began but Melissa cut me off.

“I don’t know! I thought that because it was dark outside that for whatever reason the lobby was closed!” The panic in her voice was clearly winding down, but the look of horror on her face said she was still quite scarred from the incredible debacle she created for herself.

Tang 67 never really recovered from that late summer evening at the Troy McDonald’s. There were only a few more joy rides left in her before Melissa sent her to pasture and Club Aurora officially returned as our primary mode of transportation, but I am ever so thankful that good old Tang 67 gave us this incredible laugh. We mention this moment every time we get anywhere near that Troy McDonald’s and it is still funny all these years later.

Again, thank you all for reading! Feel free to leave a comment below if you enjoyed what you read! I’ll be back next week with another story to share, so until then, I hope each and every single one of you is living your best life!