P.A.M.

I have struggled with whether or not I should share this holiday tradition of mine and Melissa’s since I started blogging back in April of 2018. I knew it would make for a great post, but like so many great things, it would also be highly controversial. There’s a 100% chance that some people will be offended by what they’re about to read, so I’m taking a great gamble here, but I guess from here on out you can just call me Kenny Rogers.

Melissa and I, along with many of our best friends, play a game we created called P.A.M. all throughout the holiday season. I’m going to go on record here and say that there is absolutely no better way to get to know your friends than hearing how they answer a hypothetical P.A.M., or better yet, what kind of P.A.M. they propose. We’ve been P.A.M.ing since 2012, so now that we’re in the midst of our eighth season, it finally feels right sharing our favorite holiday tradition with all of you and I wouldn’t be surprised if several of you start P.A.M.ing yourself!

CONSIDER THIS YOUR WARNING! If you feel that there is a chance you will be offended by the intermingling of Christmas light displays and gang banging then please STOP READING NOW! Once you learn exactly what P.A.M. is you will NEVER be able to unlearn it. I promise you, this truth will ring in your mind far more often than you’ll ever be willing to admit – unless you embrace P.A.M. like so many before you. Many of the best P.A.M.’s were never even proposed by either Melissa or I, so while the past-time is highly infectious, it’s perhaps more than anything, inspiring. P.A.M. will inspire you to think of things – mostly people – in ways that you maybe never would have before, or at the very least, never would have said aloud anyway.

One of my personal favorite P.A.M.’s was a 2018 mainstay and you can bet it has been brought up a handful of times this season as well. It’s the perfect example of how even after playing the same game all those years, there’s still plenty of new and fresh proposals out there waiting. You just have to be inventive enough to discover them. The P.A.M. I conceived that evening was this: Jack from Jack in the Box, Ronald McDonald from McDonald’s, and The King from Burger King.

The following people answered the proposed P.A.M. as such:

Melissa: P – Jack, A – Ronald McDonald, M – The King

Nancy: P – Jack, A – The King, M – Ronald McDonald

Lindsey: P – The King, A – Ronald McDonald, M – Jack

Erin: P – Ronald McDonald, A – The King, M – Jack

You’re probably thinking at this point that I’m all over the place on this post because you still have no clue what in the world P.A.M. even is and why these three clean eating icons are receiving one letter or another. Well my dear readers, it’s finally time to unveil the meaning of P.A.M., so please, brace yourself for impact because for many of you, you’re about to see me in an all new light. P.A.M. stands for…

P – pussy/penis

A – ass

M – mouth

P.A.M.

I’m willing to wager that most all of you have heard of Fuck, Marry, Kill, right? If not, it’s where someone selects three people for you and then you decide who you will be fucking, who you’ll be marrying, and finally, who you’ll be killing. Well, P.A.M. more or less operates in the same fashion except you’re choosing who’s going to be filling which bodily crevice in this hypothetical gang bang.

So in the case of Melissa, she chose Jack for her P area since she thinks he has the best body, then Ronald McDonald for the A because according to her he’s terrifying and she wouldn’t want to look at him, and then lastly, she’ll let The King in the M. Now you know how to play P.A.M.!

You’re probably wondering what in the world this has to do with Christmas lights, but in order to understand that, I’ll have to take you all the way back to the VERY FIRST P.A.M.! The original P.A.M. truly set the course for all those that followed. It was such a unique offering that there has never been any need to alter the manner in which we play the game. It was the perfect blend of Christmas cheer that has brought us back each following year.

I remember it just like it was yesterday. It was Melissa’s very first holiday season as a Cutesvillian and she was driving us and our friends Marcus and Ashley aimlessly around town looking at people’s Christmas light displays.

We were driving along Benton Street just past the ice skating rink and baseball diamonds and were approaching the stop sign in front of the entrance to the high school parking lot and football stadium when we saw the remnants of a snowman in one of the yard’s off to our left. Someone, and I’m not going to name any names, but I can assure you it wasn’t me, Melissa, or Marcus, was inspired by the sight and started talking about snowman dicks when like lightning in a bottle, the very first P.A.M. came to me.

“Frosty the Snowman! Santa Claus! Jack Frost! Pussy! Ass! Mouth! GO!” I shouted too much laughter and fanfare.

Melissa wasted no time in answering the hypothetical gang bang. “M would probably have to be Santa Claus I feel, at least he’s human,” she began as we could all tell she was really contemplating this response. “I guess Frosty would be the A because for sure Jack Frost would be the P,” she finished.

“Jack Frost!?!” We all rang out in unison.

“Oh yeah, definitely Jack Frost for the P. I mean, hello! He is the youngest,” she said with certainty.

Like I said, that was in December of 2012 and we have been joyfully looking back ever since. Not a season goes by where we don’t ask the original P.A.M. to each and every single person who rides around looking at Christmas lights with us. Even though we pretty much know everyone’s answers at this point, it’s still always a pleasure to hear them year after year.

Now maybe you’re thinking this game is a little sexist because all the questions have been propositioned for our ladies, but don’t worry gentleman, this game is for us too. Lindsey asked me one a few years ago that was a real conundrum for me to answer: Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty), Yzma (The Emperor’s New Groove), and Ursula (The Little Mermaid).

P – Maleficent – Yes we’re talking the animated one’s here, but still, Angelina Jolie, come on now! A – Yzma – She’s just so crazy, I don’t wanna deal with that. M – Ursula – this is by default as there’s nowhere else left for me to go.

Now that I am absolutely certain you all know how to play P.A.M. I can go over a couple of the rules. EVERYONE plays P.A.M. when you’re in the car P.A.M.ing around town looking at Christmas lights. NO EXCEPTIONS! This also means that everyone answers every P.A.M.! If you’re locked in the car, you’re locked in the P.A.M. (more on this later…) I mean, come on now people! This is 2019! No one should have any reservations about P.A.M.ing Ronald McDonald, Jack, and The King. My answer would have to be the same as Melissa’s (see above). For the record though I’m not scared of Ronald McDonald like she is. I actually think he’s kind of a cute and playful character, just not nearly as handsome as Jack or The King.

The official start of P.A.M. season is Thanksgiving and it runs through New Year’s Day. So all throughout the holiday season we P.A.M. it up! Now there have been MANY instances where a P.A.M. has been so good that you simply cannot wait till P.A.M. season opens and it has to be asked right then and there, so when those moments arise, it is important to call the P.A.M. what it is.

For example, you just got married and you had three groomsMEN in your wedding, so you’d start by saying, “WEDDING P.A.M.! Joseph! Michael! Chris! GO!” and the people you’re with would proceed to P.A.M. them. Now earlier I said that if you’re locked in the car, you’re locked in the P.A.M. and that’s absolutely correct, but if you ever want to abstain from answering a P.A.M. you need to be sure it’s asked outside the automobile. Which in this case, I most certainly did, so don’t worry, I personally wasn’t about to travel down this road. I’ll keep everyone who played this P.A.M.’s answers private as this is obviously far more personal, but know this, if there’s a P.A.M.able trio, the chances are we’ve P.A.M’d it.

That’s the great thing about P.A.M. though, you can literally P.A.M. anyone or anything and although it may sometimes make you cringe and I really do mean cringe, it’s still so much fun! The amount of laughs we’ve shared over the countless P.A.M.’s we’ve played is off the charts! Other than maybe Monopoly, I can’t think of a single game I’d prefer to play more!

Well, I hope I didn’t leave too many of you speechless! I’d absolutely LOVE to hear your thoughts on P.A.M.! So please leave me a comment below and like always I’ll be sure to respond! As always thank you for reading and I hope each one of you has THE BEST week ever! Until next time… Happy P.A.M.ings!