Welcome to the Neighborhood

I just want to start with a HUGE THANK YOU to each and everyone of you who helped propel my last blog, The Breakfast Pan: An Omitted Shithead Story to my fourth most read post of the year! Seeing those views roll in day after day kept a continuous smile on my face, so once more, THANK YOU! You all are THE BEST! Now let’s just hope a potential literary agent read it and wants to work with me to get Shithead published!

Anyway, on Friday morning, I went to the St. Louis Art Museum (SLAM) to do a little research for what was supposed to be this blog here, but the events of that afternoon became just too good not to share, so this lil’ impromptu blog wiggled its way into the lineup.

Now, any of you who watched my Snapchat story from Friday afternoon into Saturday will think that they already know all that there is to this saga, but let me assure you, there’s more! I never got back on Snapchat to share the conversation I had with my brother later that afternoon and let me tell you what, it definitely added that extra special something to this scenario that only he can seem to add.

I returned home from SLAM at 3:00 and figuring that Melissa wouldn’t be home from work till about 6:00, I decided to go to the gym. I had worn my contacts all day, but had brought my glasses with me in the event my eyes got too dry and I needed to swap out. Well, I left my glasses in the car figuring I would throw them on after the gym. After all, I planned on leaving right after letting our Sweet Céline outside to potty.

Well, let me tell you what, I never made it to the gym. Instead, I made the error of lying down on my bed to type up some notes from the research I’d done that morning and as you can imagine, this proved to be a HUGE MISTAKE! It wasn’t till 5:30 when I realized that not only had I fallen asleep for over two hours, but I had only managed to type up half of what I was intending to! What a mess!

Upon waking, I immediately removed my dry-as-could-be contacts from my eyes. My eyes are ALWAYS dry, so when I do wear contacts, I wear dailies. With my glasses still in my car and my contacts now in the trash, I found myself without true sight. This will probably mean little to nothing for most of you, but the vision in my left eye is -6.5 and my right is at -5.75. Just know that this is TERRIBLE! You best believe that as soon as my book takes off, I’m getting myself Lasik!

Well, needing to see, I went outside to my car to get my glasses. As I was reaching the point where the driveway and the street meet, this white SUV rounded the corner before coming to a complete stop directly next to my car. The man operating the vehicle clearly had his window down because as clear as day he yelled out to me, “BEN!”

Hearing my name from this random white SUV stopped me dead in my tracks and I looked up from the ground right at him thinking to myself, who in the world is this!?! This proved to be quite difficult to do actually as I had to squint like crazy as the sun was blinding me immensely. In retrospect, I don’t know why I even bothered looking up at him. I certainly couldn’t see him with or without the sun glaring in my eyes, so why did I even pretend to make the effort!?! Confident that I would know who I was talking to immediately after putting on my glasses I foolishly replied with an enthusiastic, “oh hey! How’s it going!?!”

“Going great man!” He replied with an equal level of enthusiasm before questioning, “you live here?”

“I sure do! Me and Melissa,” I replied with a smile, still without any idea who I’m conversing with.

“Oh man! No way! That makes us neighbors then! I live just down the block!” He replied with even more enthusiasm.

“Oh my goodness! How exciting!?!” I exclaimed as I unlocked my car door. “Hold on just a second, let me grab my glasses,” I said as I reached inside my car and quickly put them on my face. I immediately turned to look at him hoping to know instantly who I was speaking with, but even with my vision restored, I was at a loss as to who this was.

“Yeah man, see that black van way down there, that’s my wife’s!” He exclaimed as he pointed down the street.

“Oh my goodness! Yeah! So close! Crazy!” I said with a smile as I turned to get a better look at him.

I was correct, he was driving a white SUV and in addition to that, he had a highlighter green construction workers looking shirt on and appeared to have just gotten off work. His look wasn’t helping me any, but instantly, I thought of one individual who was friend’s with my brother back in high school. I wasn’t confident enough that this is who I was talking to though, so I avoided use of the name.

“I can’t believe you got a house just down the street,” I said happily, but as I spoke I could see this car making its way down the street in our direction.

“Yeah man, it’s such a small world!” He laughed as that car inched closer.

“It sure is,” I laughed as I looked him over once more trying with all my mental energy to figure out who in the world this boy was.

“Guess I better get out of his way, but I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around,” he exclaimed as the other car slowed down considerably.

“Oh, absolutely! I’ll be here!” I said with a smile before adding with a slight laugh, “see ya later, neighbor!” With those words he drove off down the street and I turned to walk back up the driveway.

As soon as I got inside I called my brother, but like any other time I call him, he didn’t answer. I then went to Facebook and looked up the boy I thought this was, but when I viewed his profile, it gave zero mention of living in Cutesville. Said he lived in another metro east city, which makes me now believe it isn’t him because who in the world would move to Granite City and NOT update their profile IMMEDIATELY to boast about such a residence!?! I figured right then and there I had to be wrong.

I was so mad at myself for not asking him right away who he was and using my lack of eyesight as an excuse. I was so confident that once I got my glasses on I would know who he was right away, but that obviously proved to be false. He clearly knew who I was, so it really bothered me that I didn’t know him. I pride myself on remembering people from all the paths of my past, so how in the world could I not know who this was!?!

Thankfully, my brother returned my call a few short hours later. Immediately, I shared with him everything that you all just read and told him who I thought this boy might be. Chris then proceeded to tell me that he remembers someone telling him that someone else recently moved down to Cutesville, but he couldn’t seem to remember who had moved here nor who had told him someone moved here. Then Chris proceeded to ask me a question that only he would ask:

“Did you get a recording of his voice?”

“Excuse me?” I replied in disbelief. “Chris, no, why in the world would I have recorded his voice!?!”

My brother laughed before adding, “I just figured that maybe you had a watch that records people’s voices and if you did you could just play me the recording of his voice.”

“Chris, what the hell!?!” I remarked in further disbelief. “Why would in the world would I have one of those watches!?!”

“Oh man, I don’t know, I just thought that if you did we could just play back the recording of his voice,” Chris laughed goofily.

“Well, that’s not gonna be an option for us,” I laughed as I shook my head.

“Did he have a lot of treble or bass in his voice?” Chris inquired.

“What!?!” I replied as my disbelief-o-meter shot up even further.

“If it’s who you think it is his voice has mostly just treble in it, but it would probably sound like treble, treble, treble, bass, treble, treble, treble, bass. Did his voice sound anything like that?” Chris asked me in all seriousness.

It took me a few seconds before I was able to respond as I didn’t even know where to begin with this voice inquiry. “Chris, I don’t even know what you mean by that. His voice just sounded like a normal man’s voice. It could’ve been treble, treble, treble, bass, I don’t know. It just sounded completely normal to me.”

“Well, if it was treble, treble, treble, bass then it might’ve been him because that’s definitely how his voice is,” Chris replied matter-of-factly.

Suffice it to say, even after talking to my brother, I was no closer to understanding the ratio of treble to bass in one’s voice than I was to knowing who my new neighbor is. The mystery still looms, but I’m hoping this blog will hopefully clear that up and my new neighbor and I can have a good laugh about all this once I know who he is.

I avoided saying who I thought it was in the event I’m wrong, which I believe I am, because that just makes it awkward for that individual who I haven’t seen or talked to in probably over a decade. I do want to thank my friend and coworker at The Men’s Wearhouse, Samantha, for inspiring me to translate that Snapchat story into this blog. THANK YOU Samantha for helping me realize that this story truly is blog worthy! I appreciate you greatly!

Well, if any of you know anyone who has recently moved to Cutesville, USA (geographically known as Granite City, Illinois) please let me know via private message, so I can further investigate this because it is driving me crazy – NOT at all like Britney Spears’ smash single from 99′! No, like this is driving me mad! My goal is to have solved this mystery before our next interaction! Here’s hoping!

If you found yourself entertained by this little scenario of mine then PLEASE leave me a comment below! I appreciate anyone and everyone who leaves something for me to read and I ALWAYS reply! I LIVE FOR YOUR COMMENTS, so thank you so much! I’ll be back next week with the blog I was intending to publish this week, so until then, I hope you have THE BEST week ever!