Bring A Bucket And A Mop For These WAP

That last blog was the hardest one yet for me to write and the week that followed its publication was one of the hardest I’ve lived in a very long time. Losing our Sweet Lana was an unexpected tragedy and coupling it with my leaving of The Men’s Wearhouse, well, suffice it to say, my emotions all week long were severely flared. I will say though, it was truly nice seeing many of my former coworkers at Lana’s funeral, which also happened to be my last day. There was zero surprise about it, but still, it meant a lot having everyone together to send Lana off. Like I said in This One Goes Out To The Ones I Love, each of us is a better person because we got the great opportunity to experience Lana in our lives and we will remember her forever and always.

I knew I would need to follow up my tearfest of a post with something that was equal parts outrageous and humorous and I think I have just the story…

I’m going to be perfectly honest with all of you, I genuinely don’t know how I made it out of high school unscathed and unbullied. It’s said that the Lord works in mysterious ways and well, this truly remains one of my life’s greatest mysteries. I’m certain of the fact that I had a guardian angel on my shoulder during those four years at Collinsville High School. Not only did I never once get bullied – you saw how I dressed above and that was a year removed from high school! Trust me people, it wasn’t any better any of the years before – but I somehow actually had friends! In fact, I had quite a lot of them and would regularly find myself in conversations with people from all over the social spectrum. All I can say is thank the Lord for my strong personality and that guardian angel because those last three years of high school could’ve been truly disastrous had anyone of learned about my sophomore year accident!

Now I know what you all are automatically thinking, oh my goodness! He pooped his pants! Surprisingly no, not this time around, but in reality after what I did, I might as well of pooped em’!

As mentioned, it was sophomore year and I will NEVER ever forget the fact that it was quite literally the SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL! Collinsville had block scheduling all through my high school career. We had alternating purple and white days, meaning that we had three classes on purple days lasting for roughly ninety minutes each and then an entirely different three classes on white days. Regardless of whether it was a purple day or white day, we ended each day in an hour long seminar, otherwise known as study hall. It was during seminar when my lil’ accident went down.

Side Note: So my mom cleaned my old room at her house and brought me bags and boxes of all my old stuff. Well, I’ve lightly looked through each bag and box and unfortunately cannot find my high school yearbooks! This is a travesty because those are necessary for me to remember the name of the teacher I had for seminar! Perhaps someone who attended high school with me will read this post and be able to remember her name, but as of right now, I’m drawing a blank! Mom! Where are those yearbooks!?! Anyway…

She was the absolutely sweetest old lady. She had these really big glasses that took up a large portion of her face and was very thin. I think maybe she taught English, but I’m not entirely sure since I only had her for study hall. I’m also fairly certain she retired at the end of my sophomore year because I remember her parting gift to us being the $75 check she wrote that carried our seminar to first place in the charity drive, thereby winning us the pizza party at the end of the school year. That was a real moment when she whipped out that checkbook on the last day of the contest and threw in that $75 check. We were all ecstatic! I’ll never forget it. To a bunch of high school kids doing their part to win this contest, it was a true moment of heroism.

LONG before she wrote that contest winning check though, a lil’ fifteen year old me showed up to her seminar on the second day of school during that 2001-02 school year and took a seat in the row furthest from the door. The wall I sat next to was lined with windows, a true rarity for Collinsville High School. Quite literally this 200 level (second floor) classroom was one of what I think was only two classrooms in the entire school building that had more than two windows. If I recall, the classroom was numbered either 211 or 213. Insane that I would even remember that, but if you did what I did in that class, you’d remember too.

About twenty minutes or so into that nearly hour long study hall I had to pee so very badly. A naive and stupid me was too nervous to ask the teacher if I could get up and use the restroom, so I just sat there reading my book and patiently waiting as the clock slowly approached the time to leave (which I’m pretty sure was 1:55).

As time wore down I had to pee worse and worse and the closer the clock got to the time to leave, the less of a chance I felt I had to ask if I could use the restroom. I allowed my minutes to be squandered by an unrealistic fear. WHY IN THE WORLD DIDN’T I JUST ASK!?! The absolute worst she could’ve said to me was, “no.” She was so unbelievably nice, but I didn’t know that on the second day, so I made up this fear that she was going to tell me no and I was going to be embarrassed for having asked. It’s incredible how much I’ve evolved since then because this would literally never be a problem for me now. Well, like I said, a miracle happened that day and the miracle was the embarrassment that never came to fruition.

With seven minutes left of the school day, I sat there in my desk and pissed my pants. You’re probably thinking, THERE WERE SEVEN MINUTES LEFT! Listen, you can only hold something like that for so long. Everyone eventually reaches a breaking point, trust me, I know, I’ve reached that point MANY times with my bowels. I remember letting out just what was absolutely necessary to relieve my bladder of the nonsensical stress I’d placed on it until the time came when I could get up, leave the class, and properly finish peeing in the restroom.

As all the rest of my classmates began gathering up near the door, so that as soon as that bell rang they could flood into the soon-to-be crowded hallway, I sat there at my desk in my pissy pants, wading in my self-created puddle of urines, and just continued reading my book. My guardian angel guided me to that second seat in that as far from the door as possible row, which was a true blessing, if I’d of been any closer to that door someone would’ve surely spotted my wet ass pants and my life would’ve ended right then and there.

When the bell rang my peers rushed out of the classroom, but I remained seated until each and every single one of them had vacated the room. When everyone but the sweet teacher was gone, I rose from my seat, wrapped my sweatshirt around my waist, and proceeded to carry my bookbag directly in front of my crotchal region as though it were busted and couldn’t be tossed over my shoulder. The teacher gave me a smile before bidding me farewell for the day. Her sweet gesture only made me mad though – mad at myself that is – why in the world didn’t I just ask her if I could use the restroom!?! This whole situation could’ve easily have been avoided! What an unbelievably dumb and insane move on my behalf! On that day, I was the talentless idiot.

I still rode the bus home during those days and because of my lateness into the hall and then my lil’ potty break where I finished letting out all the urines that had been building up inside me, I was one of the last to get on the bus, which meant that I got a seat right up front behind the driver all to myself. Again, another blessing. If I had to walk down that aisle way amongst all those other kids, the risk of someone spotting my pissy pants would have increased exponentially. Really and truly everything was working in my favor up until this point.

When I got off the bus roughly a half hour later, I walked to my house at the bottom of the hill from the bus stop, but three houses before mine was our neighbor’s John and Michelle’s and they had their nephews staying with them during this week. Well, Michelle and her nephews, Christopher and Nicholas were outside waiting for me to get off the bus, so we could all hang out and thankfully, Nicholas was a couple years younger than me (interpret this as he would NEVER think a high schooler would pee his pants) and as we stood there talking he pointed at my pissy pants and said, “wow, it must’ve been real hot on that bus because you sure are sweating!” I told them I would need to go home and change before I would be able to do anything and needless to say, that’s exactly what I went home and did.

Well, there you have it, the story that very well could’ve ruined my entire high school career, but thankfully, no one ever became anymore the wiser. My secret remained with me until now when anyone and everyone can access my unfortunate, yet hilarious truth. I would’ve been known as the boy who peed his pants for the rest of my high school life had anyone else of noticed! Lord, have mercy! Even to this day I feel bad for the janitor who came across the inevitable puddle that remained in that chair. He or she literally had to bring a bucket and a mop for these wet ass pants! I had my own WAP nineteen years before Cardi B ever released hers! I can assure you all of one thing though, I never again sat in that same seat, but lowkey always the one just behind it. I mean, honestly now, I’d marked my spot, I couldn’t stray too far from it after an incident like that, but I wasn’t going to sit in that same seat again, I’m not gross.

Well, as always, THANK YOU all for reading! I appreciate you greatly! I would LOVE to read your comments on this story, so PLEASE feel free to share! ESPECIALLY if we went to high school together and you have ANY idea of who the teacher I’m searching for is – or if you’re my mom and you know where my yearbooks are! I’ll be back soon with another all new blog for your reading pleasure, but until then, hope you all are living the best life ever!